COMMENT

Freshly returned FIFA president Sepp Blatter has given a truly bizarre re-election speech, as sport fans everywhere wonder how the man who presided over a major corruption scandal managed to keep his job.

At one point, a triumphant Blatter refers to himself as the "president of everybody" but a speech this weird needs a blow-by-blow account.

After thanking those who voted for him and congratulating his vanquished opponent Prince Ali bin al-Hussein, a clearly pleased Blatter kicked off his call to arms with a clunky sea analogy:

• "I will be in command of this boat called FIFA. And we will bring it back, we will bring it back offshore and bring it back to the beach."

Yes good. So what's going to happen on this beach?

• "We will bring it back where finally football can be played ... beach soccer can be played anywhere. But we have to work on that."

Blatter- "I am the president now, the president of everybody."- That says it all really #FIFACongress— David Zdrilic (@Zdrila) May 29, 2015

After the week that FIFA has had, they're not waving but drowning. He then throws out this nugget of equality.

• "And again we need in this committee women, we need ladies."

That's right ladies, FIFA wants you! Such an enticing offer from old Sepp. And then to confirm he's not going to move the controversial Russian and Qatar World Cups he says:

• "I will not touch the World Cup, because the World Cup is too important."

So what is going to change then? Anything? Well, it seems like Sepp wants to give more voting power to the tiny Oceania confederation, which he refers to as "Ocean's 11". You know, like the movie.

Sepp Blatter refers to Oceania’s delegates as “Ocean’s 11.” Nothing like referencing a heist in the midst of an FBI investigation.— Planet Fútbol (@si_soccer) May 29, 2015

Failing to explicitly mention the stench of corruption around him, Sepp then seeks to whip the crowd into a frenzy with a bit of "yes we can!" Obama-style oratory.

• "I take the responsibility to bring back FIFA. With you, we do it, we do it, we do it. And I'm convinced we can do it."

But he's not bringing back FIFA alone, there's a higher power at work here:

• "I was thinking, it was in meditation. I am a faithful man...God, Allah or whoever is this extraordinary whatever it is, spirit in the world that we believe, they will help us to bring back FIFA to where we shall be."

'Now I'm President of Everybody!' - Sepp Blatter, 29th May 2015 pic.twitter.com/d8xA894pqt— Mrs Stephen Fry (@MrsStephenFry) May 29, 2015

And then he commits to standing down as president after his next term, which the wiley fox also said he would do in 2011. 

• "At the end of this term I will give FIFA to my successor in a very very strong position. A robust FIFA and a good FIFA. We have to work together."

The Swiss may be turning 80 next year, but he's not going to be using that as an excuse and won't let anyone else either.

• "You will ask me what age, it's not an age. The age is no problem. I always told you: you have people they are 50, they look old. Sorry, I didn't know we had so many 50-year-old people here."

If you're going to work as the top man in football well beyond retirement age then you better enjoy yourself, as Sepp clearly does:

• "I like you, I like my job. And I like to be with you." 

Then, it's time for some reflection:

• "I am not perfect. Nobody is perfect. But we will do a good job together, I'm sure."

The crowd at this point starts to get a bit antsy and begins to clap like it's the Oscars and they're trying to get him off the stage:

• "I thank you so much, I thank you for the trust and confidence, together we go. Let's go FIFA! Let's go FIFA! Thank you, thank you so much."

Not content with finishing on that note, Blatter then returns to the stage a bit later to make some more closing remarks, including this gem about pretty much being king of the world:

• "You see I am in a good mood. I was a little bit nervous today, but now I am the president of everybody, I am the president of the whole FIFA."

Well that's that then.