Britannia, and all her majestic glory, was revitalised by a highly successful Commonwealth Games in Glasgow. Onwards and upwards then for the empire, and down under we head in four years.
Presenting ten things we simply must see at the Gold Coast 2018 Commonwealth Games:
1. Meter maids carrying the national flags at the opening ceremony
They are arguably Surfers Paradise most iconic inhabitants, and they’re on foot anyway. Perhaps they can also issue fines to Australian track athletes who don’t turn up to camp.
2. Bernard Tomic getting a lap dance as the ceremony’s centrepiece
Tennis wasn’t given another chance to shine on the Commonwealth stage after its trial at the Delhi 2010 instalment, but Bernie can still have his moment in the spotlight in a re-enactment of his night out on the town late last year. All the better if we can get him to drive around the stadium for a bit as well, although the insurance premiums may make this an impossibility.
3. Ron Clarke to hand the Queen’s baton to her majesty
This one’s a no-brainer really. Clarke lit the cauldron at the 1956 Melbourne Olympics (famously burning himself in the process), and has served as Gold Coast mayor. A wonderful piece of symmetry.
4. Housing the athletes’ village at Currumbin bird sanctuary
There’s never any shortage of shenanigans at the village, so why not add the joy of bird-gazing to the experience! It will also give extra meaning to compilations of the Games’ best tweets.
5. Gary Ablett competing in the decathlon
By this point in time, Gazza will be a six-time Brownlow Medallist and celebrating the Suns’ back-to-back-to-back premiership triumphs. There’ll be nothing more for him to achieve in football, and given that he has strength, endurance, and a fair leap (if not that much speed), he could be the difference between Australia winning 166 or 167 medals.
6. Darren Lockyer being given offical stadium announcer duites
Because the whole Commonwealth should be able to hear his gravelly tones.
7. Hold the swimming heats at Wet n’ Wild
The Aussies all waltz through to the finals anyway, so why not make things a little bit interesting. So you think you’re OK James Magnussen? Well then try and swim the 100m freestyle when you’re being thrown up and down on a water slide!
8. Get Usain Bolt to design a slogan for the event
Something along the lines of ‘Where else but Queensland?’ But with more soft swear words.
9. Have Warwick Capper present a monologue at the closing ceremony
That will beat anything ever delivered by Kylie Minogue, Nikki Webster or One Direction. Capper’s yarns must include thoughts on Peter Knights the coach, his relationship with Geoffrey Edelsten, and a recap of his ten greatest marks ever.
10. Joh Bjelke Petersen declaring the games closed
From beyond the grave. "Let me tell you, what is good for Queensland is good for Australia."