WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren't wondering how much longer they can keep this up, they're combating the evils that face the south-west.
This week, The Doctor was in their secret headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silver Ball eating pickled onions when the big screen on the wall began to beep.
"Incoming call from The Colonel," an automated voice said. "Do you accept?"
"No," The Doctor said.
"Call accepted," the voice continued. "Now connecting you to The Colonel."
Suddenly, the screen changed and showed a picture of a Warrnambool street. In the distance, The Doctor could see a figure on a bicycle getting slowly closer to the camera. It was The Colonel.
"Sorry about that, Doctor," The Colonel puffed when he finally reached the camera. "I had to go to the milk bar to get a Big M. What was it you wanted?"
"You called me," The Doctor sighed. "On a video phone from the milk bar apparently."
"Oh, that's right," The Colonel said. "I wanted to tell you about the latest phase in my Making Stuff History campaign."
"What were the previous phases?"
"Well, there was Making Poverty History... I haven't checked up on that one for a while but I'm pretty sure it's going well. And then I had Making War History, which is a work in progress. Oh, and there was Making Dodos History - and we all know how well that one went down."
"Dare I ask, but what's next on your agenda?"
"Making Racism History. I thought I'd go for an easy one for a change."
"So here are my three ideas for getting rid of racism. Number One! It occurred to me that only stupid people are racist, so I'm going to implement a breeding program to turn every human into a single race of superhumans that has had the racism bred out of them."
"Oh my god...."
"Number Two! Given that the breeding program is more of a long-term thing, in the short term I'm going to introduce a series of Enforced Dinner Parties, where racists from different nationalities and ethnic backgrounds will be made to break down barriers and see the errors of their ways over a nice tuna casserole and maybe some steamed vegetables. Number Three! I'm going to prove the existence of aliens."
"How will that help to make racism history?" The Doctor asked.
"Think about it, Doctor. If we prove the existence of aliens, it will bring us together as one race, united in our xenophobic objective to destroy these beings from far away."