What’s it all about
The reformatted and revised Big Brother Uncut of the past is like gulping an extra hot latte too quickly, eating a T-bone steak with extra garlic sauce or walking in on your parent’s folk dancing horizontally – scaring, repetitive and horrifying.
Remember how great Howzat! was?
How thought provoking the second instalment of Go Back To Where You Came From? has been?
Well Big Brother 2.0’s attempt at a risqué reel titled “Confidential” and is more grating than great and should remain “confidential”.
What the 30-minutes of Big Brother Confidential lacks in nudity and night time romps, it makes up for with special effects produced on a Commodore 64.
Following on from the daily show which ended with two female house mates feeding each other cupcakes the updated version of the late night smutty predecessors opens with an introduction to Confidential as a magazine – a trashy rag which is heavy on the clip art and cheesy narration but light on in terms of creative content.
Tonight we were promised “cheeky and funny moments” from the series thus far. What we got was a skit featuring Surly, the fish with a superimposed mouth, telling Big Brother he’s lusting over Layla, while Ray disclosed his relationship test. Ladies, if you can deal with him collecting his toe nail clippings (something he has done since he was 11-years-old) then you’re a keeper.
Throughout the montage of clips which are presented in a similar fashion to those seen on Australia’s Funniest Home Videos circa 1988, some of Michael and Benjamin’s best work is able to shine through. “Straight Talk with Ben and Mike” discusses why Layla is “number one” because of her brown hair, voluptuous curves and “boobs that can be made to look bigger” meanwhile Stacey comes in a close second due to her “bucket load of personality”.
Michael wins best on ground thanks to his burn on wannabe rapper Estelle. “You drive a Range Rover and ride horses, that doesn’t make you ‘gangsta’. I freestyle rap too but only at parties, I’d never do it here,” he quipped to other housemates.
The rations of powdered milk, lentils and rice acted as enablers for hyperactive Stacey who developed a creepy connection to a cardboard Ryan Gosling cut out while the boys grappled with first world issues of only having two fruits in a can of “Two Fruits” and developing a bass line for the song “Spoons on Greek style yoghurt”.
Before the PG rated show ended with flashes of potential couples cuddling and Bradley straddling a teddy bear while wearing a bra, Zoe provided the only piece of captivating viewing when she confided in Layla about being bullied in high school and how she dealt with it.
In a sentence: If the cutting room floor of BB was in an abattoir, Confidential would be offal.
Best bit: An insight into Big Brother’s cheeky persona is entertaining plus there’s no toilet humour, dancing doona’s or bum dancing...yet.
Worst bit: “Uncut” orreality TV extras should be served at a salacious M15+ centigrade peppered with swear words. If I wanted PG I’d wash down my Lean Cuisine with a chapter of The Baby Sitters Club.
Next episode: 8pm Thursdays
Worth watching again: If you find Mike Goldman’s repertoire of voiceovers entertaining then knock yourself out (and after 28 minutes of viewing that’s exactly what you might want to do to yourself).