Tonight, the Disembodied Voice of Exposition tells us, nine All Stars will go head-to-head against a classic dish. Which seems a little unfair on the dish, really. I mean, it hasn't even got arms, so how is it supposed to cook exactly?
In the MasterChef house, aforementioned All Stars tell us they really don't want to go home, which proves once again just how empty life after MasterChef really is.
Today's challenge, says George, is "very close to Gary's heart". Pacemaker pie perhaps?
"Today," says Gary with a dramatic pause. "You're cooking my …" Dramatic pause number two. Lungs? "Beef Wellington." Da-dah!
Chris the meat man is happy, but Poh is packing it. "Everyone knows I have a phobia about big bits of meat," she says while Benny Hill scurries around in the background.
"If you want to stay in this competition it comes down to this beef Wellington," Gary explains helpfully for those of us still struggling after four years to understand the rules of the cruel MasterChef universe. "Put everything you've got into it and you'll be safe."
Here's hoping Chris doesn't take him literally; if he stuffs that pastry with his hat it's going to taste bloody awful.
First task is to caramelise the meat; Aaron adopts an innovative technique known as pan hockey, shunting his eye fillet around the cookware like some crazy Canadian on ice. What the puck is he doing?
"That's not how you caramelise meat," observes Dani from the balcony and Kate and Justine, her fellow immunees, agree.
Aaron is worried he could be going home, but it won't be because he's moving too slowly; he chops his mushrooms like a man possessed. Fungi, that Aaron, but there's not mushroom for error in this challenge.
While Aaron struggles to work out how to wrap a 15cm strip of prosciutto around a lump of meat 20cm in diameter everyone else seems to have a handle on the dish. Until the camera finds Kumar, that is.
The recipe goes something like this: slab of beef, covered in mushroom duxelle, wrapped in prosciutto, wrapped in crepe, wrapped in puff pastry. "Oh shit," Kumar says. "I forgot to put the pancakes in." Holy crepe, Batman. Kumar is stuffed (even if his Wellington isn't).
Poh is in the poo too. Her Welly is "a little bit gummy and soft". Oo-er. No one likes a soft Welly.
With his immaculate looking dish in the oven at the requisite 200 degrees for the stipulated 30 minutes, Chris wanders over to help his good buddy Aaron. "He's in a world of hurt," Chris says, urging him to "just get that thing in the oven". With just 25 minutes left, Aaron pumps the temperature up to 240. What could possibly go wrong?
Across the kitchen, we're suddenly back in 2009, as season one finalists Julie and Poh make red wine sauce in their wildly contrasting ways. Julie hunches over the bench, carefully measuring out her quantities drop by drop; Poh stands over her saucepan, wonders what 80ml looks like and pours randomly. Measuring cups - who needs 'em?
Hayden's shot at victory looks set to evaporate as his red wine sauce boils away in a roasting pan, but Gary comes to the rescue, telling him to get it into a smaller pan and cook it hard to extract the juice.
Kumar says he's happy with his sauce, because he's passed it through a sieve and strained it. Poh almost forgets her sauce entirely until the peanut gallery yells a nick-of-time reminder.
Jonathan is first up for the tasting. He's afraid it's overcooked and as Gary sticks the knife in - doesn't he always? - it's time for an ad break.
And when we come back it's time for … a technical glitch that sends us right back to the beginning of tonight's show. It's only a momentary technical hiccup, though; just as soon as that tape operator is taken out and shot we're back to Jonathan and what turns out to be "an exceptional beef Wellington", according to George.
"Thumbs up Jonathan," Gary orders, but everyone looks away, pretending he's said "thumbs up FOR Jonathan".
Kumar is next. It's his first stab at a beef Wellington and he says he's relieved just to be able to get it up. George pokes at his pastry, and takes issue with his crack, but Gary says it’'s pretty good, really, if a little loose.
Hayden's dish is spot on but where are the mushrooms? "It's a bit naked," says George, and while Hayden's fans swoon at the very idea Surferdude pulls a face like a man who's just been told he has a week to live.
Julie's dish is perfect, natch. Damned girly swat. On the balcony Kate and Dani utter the most insipid "yay" in history. Until, that is, Marion takes her offering up and responds to George's judgement - "that dish is sensational" - with an even feebler "yay" of her own. "Well made, Marion," George says and the world groans.
Aaron is up next and he thinks he's in for a pasting as Gary slices into his Welly. "Uh-oh," he says.
"Oh dear," says Gary.
The meat isn't a disaster but the pastry almost is. “You were in the weeds, man," says George. "But you got a beef Wellington up."
Next is Chris. George says he must have been rapt to be doing a meat dish. "I was. I'm sick of doing bloody Zumbo dishes and pastry."
The meat is perfect but he's messed with the sauce. The port draws a storm of disapproval from Gary.
Finally, Jonathan is judged the winner, as if anyone cares; this round is all about the losers.
Two people are going home tonight. And they are, naturally, Kumar and Aaron. The Wellington has been their Waterloo.
"Kumar, you're a much-loved contestant, and that's why we wanted you back," says George. That and the ratings.
At least he's raised $5000 for his charity of choice, Medicins san Frontiers (which is about what you'd pay for six seconds of ad time on the show). "Once again Kumar, you're a legend."
Aaron is bummed because he didn't raise any money for his designated charity, the Salvation Army band. Gary slips his hand into his magic MasterChef pants and pulls out an invisible five grand note. "Play something pretty, you crazy Kirk Pengilly lookalike," he whispers as he tosses the metaphorical money into his guitar case.
But enough of the frivolity, this is a competition, albeit an even more meaningless one than usual.
"It's like having a dinner party," Gary says to Kumar and Aaron. "And when you're having a dinner party, some people have to leave early, because they've got stuff to do."
Thank you for coming. Now if you wouldn't mind waiting for your cab outside…