Sorry, but not even John Lennon’s Imagine is going to bring together the fanbases of Underoath and Björk. No, those two nemeses shall meet in bloody combat and shall wage a war that will destroy this world and all those who dwell within.

Of course, as impossible as deciding the top ten songs of all time is, it’s jolly good fun. It gets you talking about music – what’s great, what’s crap, whether or not all singers should wear pants (GaGa! *shakes fist*) – and it makes you realize that music is f*#king great. Like, fully tops. It’s up there with lemonade and Jerry O’Connell for me as one of the best things to have come out of the human race. Good on us.

Here’s my Top Ten, although I should clarify that there are some rules. Firstly, I limited myself to only one song per artist; my list may have got a bit Ben Folds-heavy, otherwise. Secondly, I tried to avoid including anything that I’ve recently discovered and fallen in love with. Sorry, Passion Pit – while I highly doubt you will one day fade from my high rotation playlist, there is a chance I am fickle and you are a passing fad. And besides, surely it takes a number of years after initially hearing a song for one to accurately judge it as truly original and special and timeless. If Kings of Leon’s Sex On Fire gets anywhere near the Top Ten of All Time, something is seriously wrong and every good musc-maker ever will spin so hard in their graves there’ll be a tsunami. A justified, righteous tsunami.

Here we go:

1. Emaline – Ben Folds (Ben Folds Live, 2002)

While I’m not a big fan of the phrase "I want to have your babies!", my womb will always have a place for Mr. Benjamin Folds. He might not be very good at being married, but he’s freaking amazing at music.

Originally recorded for Ben Folds Five’s debut album, this song was, in my opinion, originally shit. With a slower beat and an acoustic guitar, this ditty was actually cut from the album but can still be found on Folds’ demos on the great wide interweb. This live version, placed as the closing track on an album that presents Folds’ freakish talent on the ivories, kills me every goddamn time. Just voice and piano, the way the music gods intended, engaging imagery (ooh, wanky!), an incredible solo and a melody that is made of perfect pop. "When money talks, I hate to listen, but lately it’s been screaming in my ear". Thanks, man. Thanks a lot. From the cutting room floor of an editing booth to the lofty position of my favourite version of anything ever (so far), this is the Little Song That Could.

2. I Want You Back – The Jackson 5 (Diana Ross Presents the Jackson 5, 1969)

Brilliant, feel-good pop that automatically makes me dance and be merry no matter what the situation. This thing could get a funeral jumping. The big fat bass, the glittering strings and, of course, the crazy-ass vocals of a young Michael Jackson all help to make this heartfelt song literally perfect. And the thing that regularly knocks me over is the maturity of the lyrics; for a chart-topping pop song in the 60s, I Want You Back has depth and meaning and irony and humour AS WELL as the immortal “a-boo-boo-boo-boo”!

Of course, the 5 didn’t always exactly shy away from commercialism; on their 1972 TV special, following a performance of this joyous piece, there was an encore with altered, TV audience-targeted lyrics: “We’ll be right back! (Don’t go away, now!) We’ll be right back!”.

3. Across The Universe – The Beatles (Let It Be, 1970)

Pretty much genius and that. Just a beautiful, mind-expanding ode to...well, everything ever, I guess. Whenever I hear this, I like to think that while everything else with the Fab Four might have been going to the dogs, they could still pull out magic like this from their excessively talented arses. If you do a cover of this and screw it up, you are an idiot, sir/madam, and deserve to be excommunicated from the human race. I’m more than happy for this to be on the mix-tape we broadcast out to aliens; I think they’ll dig it. Man.

4. Bridge Over Troubled Water – Simon and Garfunkel (Bridge Over Troubled Water, 1970)

Play me any song that celebrates friendship and I’m totally with you. I’d rather be a sparrow than a snail, and I’d rather listen to this than El Condor Pasa. Stunning vocals, a brilliant melody and a crescendo that’d raise your granny, this is just plain lovely. The final “trou-ah-bled water” phrase knocks off both my socks and my leg hairs.

5. I Wish That I Was Beautiful For You – Darren Hanlon (Little Chills, 2004)

When I first heard this on the radio on a weekend afternoon, I had one of those great/terrible "oh-my-god-what-is-this-and-what- am-I-doing-with-my-life" moments. Hanlon would have to be one of the greatest songwriters this country has ever produced. If you haven’t heard of him, shut up, put that down, stop thinking about that and purchase his music. This is funny, smart and shimmering and so perfectly captures one of our most basic desires: to be good enough for the person we’re in love with. I used to want to play guitar, but this song convinced me that I’d screw it up. Five stars!

6. I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For – U2 (The Joshua Tree, 1987)

Epic. Az.

This always makes me stop and think, "Oh yeah; I’m alive. I get to do stuff. This is awesome!". People who denigrate Bono for trying to change the world for the better can suck on this, as far as I’m concerned. By the same token, if you call yourself "The Edge", you’re an idiot, but you know; swings and roundabouts.

I consider this to be a bit of an anthem for the human race. We should organize ourselves into a massive line and then, one by one, high-five these dudes and give Brian Eno a hug.

7. Chicago – Sufjan Stevens (Come On Feel The Illinoise!, 2005)

Another radio discovery that blew my mind and chilled my back. The whole album is a work of genius, but this particularly stands out as monumental. If you want to make something special, simply take a children’s choir and have them repeat lines like "All things go, all things go", then repeatedly sing "I made a lot of mistakes" over the top of that and add in stirring strings, a whacky time signature and a trumpet solo to boot. And yes, you’re allowed to let it go for six minutes. That’s what Sufjan Stevens did, and he ended up in Tom Ballard’s Top Ten Songs of All Time. What have you ever done? Punk?!

8. River – Joni Mitchell (Blue, 1971)

I like pianos, alright?! This is what they meant when they came up with the word ‘ballad’. Don’t we all wish we had a river we could skate away on? Yes, yes we do. If you’re lacking some lift, have a listen to the vocals in the chorus of this ode to regret and escapism. PLUS it basically remixes in a warped version of Jingle Bells! Jesus yes!

9. Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen (A Night At The Opera, 1975)

An obvious choice, granted. But for good reason. This sprawling, epic, groundbreaking, hilarious, uplifting piece of glamour nonsense is so magnificent, not even analysing it for weeks in Year 11 Music stops you from enjoying it. This is living proof that sometimes, we couldn’t give a flying poop about meaningful lyrics. One of my favourite things is watching drunk footy-heads happily singing this entire number, blissfully unaware they’re undertaking in one of the campest performances since Liza Minelli did an impression of Peter Allen doing an Elton John track. Magnifico!

10. Ask – The Smiths (Single, 1986)

There’s a truckload of Smiths songs that belong in lists of goodness, but this is my pick. Lovely power-pop with the cutting/funny lyrics of Mr. Morrissey and backing vocals that will melt the cruellest heart. “If it’s not love, then it’s the Bomb that will bring us together”. How did they do that? How?

***

Golly gosh that was hard. Dreadfully hard. Before hip indie kids scoff too hard and dismiss me as a person, I would like to mention my highly commended list:

Race For The Prize – The Flaming Lips

Throw Your Arms Around Me – Hunters & Collectors (but the Doug Anthony Allstars cover is cool too.)

God Only Knows – The Beach Boys

It Covers The Hillside – Midlake

If She Wants Me – Belle & Sebastian

Never Is A Promise – Fiona Apple

From Little Things Big Things Grow – Paul Kelly and Kev Carmody

Also heaps more. Have a crack: post your top ten below, or head to the Triple J website and vote for the real thing. You go into the running for a very cool prize, but really, the greatest reward is realizing how much you love your music collection. Naw…