FIGURING the last thing the world needs right now is another opinion piece/blog/twitter post about Jason Akermanis, I present to you some “reheated” or “pre-loved” material that has little-to-nothing to do with showering naked men or goatees.
The following is an edited version of the speech I gave at the Sydney Comedy Debate earlier in the year. It involved a bunch of funny people and was a lot of fun to do. The topic was “Has modern music killed rock’n’roll?” and what with me being a hip funky young thing representin’ for da yoof and the here and the now, I was arguing for the affirmative.
I hope you like it.
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On Monday 26th April, 2010, a music concert was cancelled.
The music concert of one Justin Bieber (pause for laughter) had to be cancelled because thousands of teenage fans – fans who had been lining up since early Sunday morning, enraptured as they were in Bieber Fever – were crushing themselves in their excitement to see the J-Beebz (otherwise known as the Holy Bieber, The Beeb Test, Bieberella, The Angry Bieber, J-Bizzle or The Bieble’s Choice).
It was an incredible thing to watch, ladies and gentlemen; to be honest, I couldn’t Beiberleve it. When people are crushing themselves to see Justin Bieber – a person who knows more about auto-tuning than he does about pubic hair – when people are crushing themselves to see Justin Bieber sing three songs on Sunrise with Mel and Kochie... well, you know you’re living in a different world.
A world where Rock’n’Roll is dead and where a new way of music, a new concept of music, a new generation of music is leading the way forward. Sometimes for the bad – as in the Yellow Bieber’s case – but often for the amazingly, shittingly awesome; as in the case of people like Thom Yorke, Luke Steele, Damon Albarn, M.I.A., Bjork, N.E.R.D., Gotye, Kid Cudi, Beck, Jay-Z, Eminem, the Hilltop Hoods and a whole host of others.
Rock’n’Roll is dead, ladies and gentlemen; it’s had its time and, like the old grandma it is, it’s been euthanized. Our good friend Modern Music – dance, hip-hop, electronic, dub-step, pop, R’n’B – became the loyal brave son, who read the book by Philip Nietchzke, took the needle of irrelevancy, injected it into Rock’n’Roll’s thin, feint veins and spoke candidly to Australian Story about the whole experience afterwards.
Everyone knows Rock’n’Roll is dead; even Powderfinger are calling it a day. Powderfinger! And they’re finishing up by doing a national tour supported by The Vines and Jet.
Word on the street is it’s going to be called the “Suicide Watch Tour” and will be proudly supported by Vanilla Coke and the year 2002.
All that tour needs is Airbourne and Wolfmother on the line-up and then you’ve got yourself the saddest night out since the premiere of Hot-Tub Time Machine.
My teammates and I are fully qualified to convince you that Modern Music has indeed killed Rock’n’Roll. I’m lucky enough to work for triple j, a radio station with a proud history of celebrating new music, perhaps best represented by our annual Hottest 100 Countdown. (By the way, I actually know the results of tonight’s debate, but hey, I’m not going to tell you; far be it from a triple j employee to leak valuable information.)
Oh, also, if you’re not really into triple j – you’re maybe more of a Nova listener? – just imagine I’m giving this speech in about a month’s time, when it’s less of a risk and more commercially viable. And just beep out the swearing. And if you’re not really into triple j or Nova, you’re more into 2Day FM, well, feel free to perish immediately.
I’ve listened to the opposition’s arguments and I find the whole thing ironic. They actually sound to me a lot like Rock’n’Roll sounds like in 2010. It’s the sound of an old, dying pensioner who’s come to the end, babbling away as Lady “the Grim Reaper” GaGa smothers him with a pillow. Now sure, in his dying minutes, he might perchance manage to spout something vaguely coherent like he used to in the old days, something like, “Queens of the Stone Age…(cough, cough)…Eddy Current Suppression Ring…(splutter, splutter)…the Strokes…(blood, blood)”.
But the majority of his gibberish is composed of shit like “Good Charlotte… Creed… Nickelback… (feeble whimper)….”
That’s what the opposition sound like, yabbering on like a boring old Grandpa; we on the affirmative team, however, sound a bit more like this:
“Shut the hell up, old man! I’m too busy getting an aural blowjob from LCD Soundsystem!”
Rock’n’ Roll is dead, people. Sure, Keith Richards is still alive, but he’s basically getting away on a technicality. His heart isn’t “beating” – it’s shivering.
Rock’n’roll is dead. Nickelback is one of the biggest rock acts in the entire world; they’ve sold over 30 million records.
Here are some more horrible Nickelback facts:
* They have released a song entitled Something In Your Mouth.
* Last year they recorded a cover of Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting... featuring Kid Rock.
* Earlier this year, a Facebook fan page entitled “Can this pickle get more fans than Nickleback?” got more Facebook fans than Nickelback.
*There’s footage on the internet of Nickelback playing a show in Portugal. They’re out there rocking away and the crowd is just chucking rocks at their face. They’re halfway through a song, Chad Kroeger stops the show, throws his guitar off, grabs the mic and says, “Do you guys want to hear some goddamn rock’n’roll or do you want to go home?” The crowd promptly decides to go with another option, which seems to be (c) continue to throw rocks at Nickelback.
I think there’s no better evidence for the argument that rock’n’roll is dead, ladies and gentlemen, than the playlist of self-proclaimed heralds of rock, Austereo radio station Triple M. Now, if you’re not familiar with Triple M, they are, apparently, the only radio station that rocks. They’re the rockingest radio station that rocks unlike anybody else rocks. If you want some rock, you better be calling these guys, because they are from Rocksville, USA. They provide you high quality rock at a low (yet rocking) price. They’re Rock. Here are some of the notable artists listed in the “artist” section of the Triple M website:
AC/DC
Okay , fair enough: they’re a great rock act, an incredible rock act. To be fair, they’re probably not best known for their releases in, you know, the 21st Century. I mean sure, they released a “new album” with “new songs”, but it wasn’t exactly groundbreaking, is it? I’m just saying AC/DC hardly count as Rock’n’Roll still kicking. Their sold-out tour was a nostalgia trip; a chance to see what all the fuss was ever about, surely. Saying that AC/DC is proof of Rock’n’Roll being alive is like saying, “Yeah, Grandpa’s still alive – we go visit his grave every year!”
Bon Jovi
Sorry, when your greatest lyrical contribution to the world of music is “Wooooah!”, you’re not doing anything new. Well done, Bon Jovi, you rhymed “never” with “forever” – Leonard Cohen must be shitting himself.
Coldplay
Yeah. That’s right. Coldplay. Now, I quite like Coldplay, I truly do. But I can’t say it’s because they’ve ever rocked my face off, what with their piano-based ballads and their tendency to get married to Gwyneth Paltrow and care about third world poverty. Maybe they really shred it up on their B-sides, I don’t know.
Guns’N’Roses, Hoodoo Gurus, INXS
Oh shit I just cut myself, Triple M, you’re just so cutting edge
Nirvana
Quite literally dead, I think we can agree.
Here’s my favourite: PINK.
Pink, ladies and gentlemen, on “the only radio station that rocks”.
Here’s a conversation you will never hear:
Person A: “Hey dude, did you go to that Coldplay/Pink double-headline tour?”
Person B: “Yes. It was the most rocking thing I have ever seen.”
It's over, people. Rock’n’Roll is like Daryl Somers; it’s had its time and it should really call it a day because now it’s just scaring children and puppies. The disgruntled prison inmate of Time has taken the exercise bike seat of Modern Music and bashed in the Carl Williams-esque head of Rock’n’Roll.
And yes, that is the most potent imagery you’ll hear this side of a Dickens novel.
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Then I carried on with the prerequisite summing up nonsense and, while my teammates went on to put up a valiant fight, we were cruelly defeated in the end.
What do you think? Leave a comment below and, as is our democratic right, we’ll resolve this issue through open and frank discussion.
Keep rocking and/or busting moves.
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