If only the candidates for this Twitter/Seinfeld/secret-Muslim-go vernment election embodied but a skerrick of the qualities of those in the alternate universe of the Bartlett administration. Where is the gut-wrenching nobility, the charming sense of humour or the inspiring intellect of President Bartlett? Where is the integrity, vision, passion for public service or distaste for negative campaigning of Congressman Matt Santos? The allegiance to one’s principles, respect for public office or advocacy of reason of Senator Arnold Vinnick?

At the very least give us the eye candy of Alison Janney or Dulé Hill, for f**k’s sake.

If you pick any episode of The West Wing at random, I’ll wager Wayne Swan’s inferiority complex that you’ll come across some exciting or challenging piece of oratory that will at least give you pause for thought and at most give you a magnificent, quivering political boner. Say what you like about Americans; the brothers can write some inspiring shit. They can make an estimates committee budget sound like it was drafted on Lincoln’s dying wish. On so many occasions, the hairs on the back of my neck have become straighter than a Family First candidate after hearing the impassioned, radcore rhetoric of The West Wing cast blasting out of my TV speakers, all thanks to the mighty, mighty pen of Aaron Sorkin. We’re talking stuff on par with “All men are created equal”, “I have a dream” and “Ask not what your country can do for you”, people.

Change channels to the real world, however, and you’re hit with “…we have to stop this indecision which is not good for our nation”.

Or “There is a chance in this election that a bad government will get the second chance that it doesn’t deserve”.

Or “I’m committed to a sustainable Australia, not a big Australia” (repeatedly).

Or “This election is not about glib slogans. It is not about glib slogans”.

Or – my personal favourite – from a Family First candidate on Mel & Kochie’s Sunrise: “…so please vote me” (sic).

The flaccid language of our political leaders is about as vanilla as that ice-cream that was found to have faeces in it.

Now, I understand there are fundamental differences between fact and fiction. I’m sure it’s remarkably more difficult to be a dynamic political leader in the real world than it is to be one on a cosy set, accompanied by a crackingly good script and catering. And, as complex and layered as the narrative arcs of The West Wing tend to be, life is generally simpler – and shorter – on screen.

But the enormous disparity between the decency of the characters in this TV show and the real life political leaders in this country seems excessive. On either side of mainstream politics I see no real political courage, no genuine evidence of leadership, no compassionate discussion of human rights, no shining vision of a brighter future.

Instead I see shameless pandering (the citizens’ assembly), blatant fear-mongering (STOP THE ONCOMING ARMADA!!!!), the evasion of issues of national importance (Indigenous issues, anyone?) and a dire lack of leadership (see: same-sex marriage).

As far as I can tell, by Standing Up and Moving Forward with Real Action, we’re going to end up with a boatless society, a bunch of tax hikes and tax cuts and a referendum on who should win MasterChef.

It’s not exactly landing a man on the moon, is it?

Has this country’s political landscape always been so unremarkable? I’ve really only known the piercing eyebrows of John Howard and the Duplo-esque gaze of Kevin Rudd in my time, but I get the impression that Canberra has seen some leaders with considerable game in its past.

On my radio show, we’re currently running a poll to find out who listeners consider to be the ‘hottest’ PM of all time, in terms of their achievements, originality, personality traits and just general awesomeness. It’s somewhat bittersweet for me that the whole thing works quite well as comedy; the notion that any of the 26 white rich men who have led Australia since Federation could be considered fully sick is laughable, really. Sexing and hyping these men up really highlights just how benign antipodean politics tends to be, on the whole.

I know it must be difficult for today’s pollies: battling away against public opinion, cowering in the shadow of a potential bad poll, constantly watching your back for the glint of an opportunistic knife. Sure: politics must be hard to do.

But it shouldn’t make candidates this bad.

It shouldn’t reduce public debate to the point where the episodes of a television drama feel more like real political business than the actual ups and downs of an actual election campaign.

Even if that drama is a ball-droppingly terrific one.

Perhaps, in these last days before August 21st, something will rise to the surface and I, as a young, gay progressive Australian will get as excited as I did when I watched West Wing Deputy Chief of Staff Josh Lyman tell of the music of a poor African-American blues artist flying through outer space due to human ingenuity. Or when I watched West Wing Press Secretary CJ Cregg passionately argue for the rights of women in the fundamentalist society of “Qumar” (read Afghanistan). Or when I watched West Wing presidential nominee Matt Santos bravely advocate compassion and understanding to a church congregation after the horrific death of an 11-year-old boy.

Or when I watched President Josiah Bartlett do pretty much anything.

I hope I get that excited about the real world by Election Day; then maybe I might feel less pained about casting my vote.