Ponchos.

The point is, I am in no way anti-Sound Relief. And yes, I realize that if you read a sentence like that in an article by Mr. Bolt – perhaps something like “some of my best friends are gay”, you’d probably (quite rightly) put on your frowning shoes and prepare yourself for some diatribe about how local council policy outlawing citizens from spitting on homosexual hippes is unAustralian.

Well, rest assured; nothing of that nature is about to follow. I think.

My problem is this: Kings of Leon, surely one of – if not the – biggest bands of 2008, a band that sold over 250,000 copies of their album Only By The Night in this country, played at the Melbourne Sound Relief concert in front of 80,000 screaming fans. And they didn’t play Sex On Fire – the lead single from the album, a commercial smash hit, played on pretty much every radio station all over the joint, voted the number one song of last year in one of the biggest music polls in the whole wide world – “out of respect” for the victims of the Victorian bushfires.

Now sure, this is not a major problem. I am well aware that life gets worse than this. You know, famine and all that. Personally, I’m not that fussed about not hearing the song; I’ve heard it at least 100 times before, I don’t mind it, it’s catchy. Good luck to it, I say. And hey, the mighty, clean-cut Kings played a great set anyway and should be thanked and congratulated for donating their time to the cause.

But for me, the fact that they chose not to play that song “out of respect” for the bushfire victims, and the fact that I’ve heard that decision praised by commentators and by my friends in the days leading up to the concerts, should surely makes us ask the question: “What do we find offensive?”

Why is it a good thing that Kings of Leon didn’t play their number one song at this huge benefit concert for the victims of these tragic bushfires? Why? Because it has the word “fire” in it? Would it really have been inappropriate for a song about a positive sexual relationship that just happens to use a metaphor relating to fire to have been played? Would it have been okay if they did sing the song and just replace “on fire” with “enjoyable”?

“Whoa-oh! Your sex is[GOING VERY WELL]!”

I don’t know. But apparently it does make a difference and people care. In the days following Black Saturday, we received a phone call at the radio station from a disgruntled listener. He thought that Ladyhawke’s catchy dance number Back Of The Van should be taken off the airwaves for the sake of the bushfire victims. The song’s chorus repeats the line “You set me on fire”.

I’ve heard the question asked a number of times over the past month. Should Cut Copy play Hearts On Fire at that bushfire benefit? Should Midnight Oil play Beds Are Burning? Should the Wiggles really bring out Hot Potato?*

(*Note the classic moral outrage “What’s next?” tactic –Ed.)

I just don’t get it. We understand metaphors, don’t we? We understand the word “fire” can be used in a number of different contexts, the overwhelming majority of them relating in no way whatsoever to the recent bushfires, yeah? So why are we so paranoid about meeting the overly sensitive demands that political correctness apparently asks of us?

Maybe I’m just bitter. A couple of years back I wrote a piece for The Standard about the experience of having money taken out of my wallet, having recently made a blood donation. My big, tongue-in-cheek finish was something like “don’t donate blood because you could end up saving the lives of people who take money out of wallets”. It was gosh darn hilarious.

Well…it filled a column.

Anyway, the editor at the time felt it necessary to add a disclaimer at the end of the hilarity explaining that the views expressed in the column in no way represented the views of The Warrnambool Standard and that The Warrnambool Standard – unlike that bastard Tom Ballard - fully encourages people to donate blood by contacting the Red Cross on 13 14 95.

It was silly. I don’t want to seem too elitist or ivory-tower-encapsulated here, but I think it’s fair to assume that the good readers of The Warrnambool Standard (wink!) are able to handle my – let’s fact it – unsophisticated attempts at irony, sarcasm and social commentary and could deduce perfectly well that I was trying to make some funny.

But the idea of suggesting to people that they shouldn’t donate blood – even in jest – seemed to be just too unPC for the editors of The Warrnambool Standard, who I personally believe are very good looking (wink!).*

(*Note the classic suck-up tactic so he keeps his job - Ed

‘Mad’ political correctness puts things out of bounds for no good reason. It limits what we can talk about, it affects the quality of public debate, it screws up set lists and it weakens comedy. I saw Lawrence Mooney – one of the best, most underrated comedians in this wide brown land – do a landmark routine about Brian Naylor and arsonists in the CFA in the weeks after the fires. And I cried with laughter. It wasn’t offensive or demeaning or disrespectful; at no point was the punchline: “People died and lost their homes in these fires. Boom tish!” It was just great commentary on human beings under crisis. But still, some punters chose to walk out of the gig, obviously wishing that Mooney had been more like Kings of Leon.

I’m a big believer in the ideal that you can make a joke about anything. Anything at all, as long as the joke is pointed at the right target. Excessive emphasis on being politically correct will tell us the ‘Beaconsfield: The Musical’ is 100% sick, no questions asked. It will tell us Tim Minchin using the word “nigger” in a song is unequivocally racist. The PC police aren’t really big fans of nuance and they don’t expect much of the public’s intelligence.

I hope this doesn’t come across as harsh. I have nothing but sympathy for those affected by the Victorian bushfires and I truly wish them all the best for the challenges ahead. And I fully acknowledge that political correctness goes a long way to eradicating discrimination and makes us think twice about our preconceived notions and prejudices.

But when you turn it up to 11 and turn a blind to eye to subtleties and all that hippy shit, you get some questionable results.

There: that wasn’t too horribly fascist, was it?