Dear Christmas,
Season’s Greetings!
I trust this letter finds you well at this very busy time of year. Well…I know you’re well; you’re celebrated by hundreds of millions of people across the world, including 96% of the entire US population, former Prime Minister John Howard and my grandma in Horsham. You’re frightfully popular and it seems impossible to talk you up too much. You’re like Radiohead – we know you’re good, now we'd really prefer it if you were to do something crap so we can all feel better about ourselves. Seriously.
We seem to start talking about you earlier and earlier each year. I mean, hey – I love you, Christmas, but a little part of me dies inside when I see posters heralding your name or decorations announcing your impending arrival in early No- (or Mo-) vember. I know a hamper takes preparation, but come on. It’s going to reach a point where Christmas in July is just going to mark the beginning of pre-Christmas sales, while Santa impersonators will have superannuation funds and annual leave.
Screw you, Virginia: regardless of Santa Claus’ actual existence, he’s got serious media saturation issues.
But not only are you everywhere, Christmas, you seem to be going a little off-message. Everyone knows that you're too commercialised. It’s sort of part of your charm, if you ask me. Even deeply religious people would have to admit that it’s always been like this: people used to give gold to babies at Christmas time. With that in mind, I feel less guilty about giving Dad a burned copy of The World’s Best Beer Songs of All Time; they are equally useless gifts, really.
Yet despite all this overexposure and $$$, people do get very excited about you, my friend. And rightly so - who doesn't want to recapture the magic of one's childhood, when the world was full of hope and dreams and primetime showings of Miracle On 34th Street and The Santa Clause (get it?)? When brightly wrapped boxes of expectations shone as emblems of our own expectations of what the big world had in store for us and when it wasn't gay to get excited about putting shiny things on trees... those were truly magical days that we all yearn for and wish to relive through your tradition.
But it doesn't always work out that way. Sometimes you don't live up to the hype. Sometimes we have a Shitmas. One of my friends is a bona fide Grinch and dreads the annual coming together of her big ol' family. Why should we all try and get along on one particular day a year if we can't do if for the other 364? she reasons.
Others, I'm afraid to say, just find you monotonous, pointless and outdated. You don't always bring happiness and joy, you know; I mean, have you seen Ray Martin host Carols By Candlelight? Is that what Jesus would want?
Actually, speaking of Jesus, Christmas...what's going on there? You're obviously very attached to the guy, but I think you and I both know that there are plenty of people who really just tend to celebrate your twin sibling, 'Xmas'. Sure, we all sings the churchy songs, but Santa is the real messiah. As faith wanes in many parts of the world and as the West becomes more and more secularised, the Nativity is becoming more quaint than relevant in a growing number of people's eyes. It's the same story for your cousin Easter; he's just about chocolate now. No subtext anymore, other than the commemoration of the beginning of the financial year for the Cadbury Company. I wouldn't be surprised if a gorilla playing the drums to Phil Collins' In The Air Tonight gets as much press as Jesus does next Easter.
But do give him my love.
Anyway - and I know this might not be what you want to hear - I'm really writing to say that I think it's okay. I think it's okay if people still feel happy and great and warm and compassionate on December 25th but don't necessarily associate that with any kind of birth or manger or space god or church. Maybe you could just be about coming together at the end of the year, realising we're all just whacky, mortal human beings and laughing at our drunk relatives. Maybe you could just be about seeing the giving nature of the human spirit in the most generous charitable donation or the crappiest Kris Kringle present with a $2 limit. After all, wouldn't that make you truly inclusive? If someone doesn't need to believe in a Prince of Peace in order to join the club - heck, if the only pre-requisite is enjoying the company of others and a soft spot for red and green - then won't you be the ultimate coming together of humanity? Don't get me wrong, Christmas; you've had a good run and preserving your history is important, but I just think it's time for a bit of a makeover. Less commercialism? Yes please. But does that mean more Jesus? Not necessarily.
More like more conversation, charity, acknowledgements and pudding.
And lose your crackers, mate; you've got to get some new material for those things.
Well, I think that's about all I had to say. I do hope you weren't too offended and that I haven't ruined you or anything. Just some food for thought as you browse at window displays, wrap your gifts and cringe at Six White Boomers.
Merry You,
Tom Ballard
(Nice 1989 - 1999
Naughty 1999 - Present)
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