WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren't suing Hamish and Andy for stealing their ideas, they're fulfilling their duties as civic custodians of Warrnambool.
This week, high up in their secret headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silver Ball, The Doctor and The Colonel are about to begin their weekly meeting.
``All right, Doctor,'' The Colonel said, ``what's on the agenda this week?''
The Doctor shuffled some papers in front of him. ``It's time to update The List, Colonel.''
``The List? Great - we need milk and eggs...and can you get me a pregnancy test? I've got this weird craving for mangoes I can't explain...oh, and put mangoes on the list!''
``No, Colonel, I'm talking about The List Of Warrnambool's Most Memorable And Immemorable Accolades. You know what Colonel? I'm still pretty sure it's supposed to be `Unmemorable'.''
``No, Doctor - I came up with The List, so I get to name it.''
The Doctor sighed and pushed a button on a remote control and a giant screen came out of the ceiling.
On it was a list with two columns: `Most Memorable' and `Immemorable'.
``Please tell me it's something positive this time, Doctor. The Most Memorable side is looking a little sickly. Did we finally top Norfolk Island for the most Norfolk pines?''
``No, Colonel. It's another bad accolade I'm afraid. Apparently Warrnambool has the most unruly train passengers in the state.''
``Dammit!'' The Colonel exclaimed as he slammed the table with his fists. ``There's already too many things in the `Immemorable' column - `most beer drunk per capita'. `Highest level of street violence outside a capital city'. `Most penguins eaten by Maremmas'.''
``You do have a point there, Colonel. The only thing in the `good' column is `most roundabouts'... and I'm not even sure that's a good thing.''
``How come Warrnambool is only topping the state or the country in bad things? `Most lappers'. `Most women wearing moccasins down the street'. `Highest kelp to beach ratio'. Why can't we be renowned for something good for once?''
``Like what, Colonel?''
``I don't know, but this is important, Doctor. Let's brainstorm some ways we can get off the `Immemorable' column and into the `Most Memorable' column.''
The Doctor stroked his chin. ``Well, what about we try to make Warrnambool the happiest place in the country?''
``Even happier than Terang? How do we do that?''
``Well... instead of putting fluoride in the water, we could put Prozac in it. This would have the added bonus of mellowing everyone out and curbing the unruly behaviour and violence in the streets and trains.''
``Capital idea, Doctor! And how about we get the most olivine? That really put Mortlake on the map.''