WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren't making wool fashionable at Sheepvention, they're safeguarding the south-west from danger.
In fact, this week the dynamic duo have been so busy at Sheepvention that nothing vaguely interesting has happened to them.
So instead, we bring you another installment of The Adventures Of Thommo The Drunken Ruckman.
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WHEN Thommo The Drunken Ruckman isn't crushing empty beer cans on his forehead, he's putting in the one-per-centers for the West Warrnambool Sea Tigers.
This week, Thommo held a meeting with some of his team-mates in their secret headquarters in their footy clubrooms.
"Johnno, Robbo, I'm stoked you could make it," Thommo said glumly.
"Why so sad, Thommo?" Robbo asked. "Are you upset about T&T finishing up?"
"No, Robbo, I've got some bad news," Thommo said. "I'm disbanding the gang."
Johnno stood up. "You can't break up 'Visage'!" he exclaimed. "I live for 'Visage'! 'Visage' is my whole life. 'Visage' is the coolest gang since Kool & The Gang! And while I'm at it, why the hell did you name our gang after a facial cream?"
Thommo stood up and punched Johnno in the face. "What I name my gangs after is none of your business," Thommo said, sitting down again. "The fact is there's no point keeping the gang together since there's only the three of us lads left."
"Only three?" Robbo said. "What happened to all the rest of the 'Visage' boys?"
"Well, Simmo's in the dog house because he rooted the wing defence, Boofa's in the big house because he glassed an umpire on the field, Dasher's in hiding because of that thing he said about the gays, and Picklehead's in hospital because he overdosed on cough medicine."
"How do you expect me to live without 'Visage'?" Johnno said, as he began to cry. "Surely we can still have a gang of three, can't we, Thommo?"
"No, you can't," Thommo said, before smashing a chair over Johnno's head. "You need four for a gang. Three's just a dynamic duo."
Thommo dusted wood chips off his footy jumper and sat down again. "But it's not just about our depleted numbers, boys," he said The fact is, society is no longer willing to give footballers a free kick when it comes to our behaviour. Just because we get 40 kicks a week, it doesn't mean we should be above the law. Just because we celebrate a triumphant footy win by glassing people in their faces, it doesn't mean there shouldn't be any repercussions. Just because we've all played footy for the Sea Tigers since we were 10 and have distinguished ourselves on the footy field, it doesn't mean we shouldn't behave like law-abiding citizens. You see, lads - you know the stuff we do on the footy field that would get us rubbed out for a couple of weeks? It turns out that if you do that in real life, you get rubbed out for a couple of months. And then you get rubbed up in jail, which is nowhere near as pleasurable as what happens in the showers."
And then Thommo choke-slammed Robbo through the window.
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You've read it, you can't unread it! Don't worry, folks, The Doctor and The Colonel will be back with their regular programming next week.
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