WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren't getting down and dirty in the garden with Don Burke, they're looking after the south-west and its interests.
This week, The Doctor was reading the paper in their secret headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silver Ball, when The Colonel stormed in clutching Monday's copy of The Standard.
He shoved the paper right in The Doctor's face. "Have you seen this?" The Colonel fumed. "How dare they?"
The Doctor glanced at the front page and saw the picture of Captain Sustain The Bool, Warrnambool City Council's new environmental superhero.
The Colonel continued to rant. "The gall! Who approved this? Why wasn't I consulted? I can't believe council would do this to me... and, to a lesser extent, you, Doctor...."
"Here we go...," The Doctor muttered under his breath as The Colonel started pacing the room.
"I mean, why do they feel Warrnambool needs another superhero? They've already got me... and, to a lesser extent, you. Haven't I been doing a bang-up job for years now... with minimal collateral damage? I've poured my blood, sweat and tears into and onto this community. And who the hell does this Captain Planet wannabe think he is? Captain Planet? Where was Captain Sustain The Bool when I single-handedly unclogged the kelp from Logan's Beach using dynamite? Where was The Captain when I single-handedly stopped Tower Hill from exploding? Where was The Captain when I single-handedly stopped the orcs from over-running Middle-Earth? And I mean, look at this guy - he doesn't even have a crime-fighting axe! And has he been trained properly? I didn't do seven years at Superhero College just to be replaced by some lycra-wearing upstart who did a correspondence course. And has he signed the Superhero Registration Act? I haven't seen him at any superhero conventions. I don't think he's got what it takes to look after this city and the south-west. The people must be outraged to know their hero... their champion... me... has been replaced. And, to a lesser extent, you. If I ever meet this clown in the street, I'm gonna put my carbon footprint right up his arse. Let's see how sustainable he thinks that is."
The Doctor had a mischievious gleam in his eye as looked at the paper. "It says here, Colonel, The Captain is going to keep the region green and clean for generations to come."
The Colonel stamped his foot petulantly. "I've been doing that for ages - I hardly ever throw my rubbish into the ocean anymore."
"It says here The Captain is going to give weekly tips on how to live more sustainably," The Doctor continued.
The Colonel huffed. "I'll give you the big tip - I give him six months, I reckon, and he'll be a washed-up, super-has-been, living in a dis-used water tower."
Email a friend