WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren't procrastinating, they're hastily piecing together a highlights package.
In case you didn't know, The Doctor and The Colonel is drawing to an end, so what better way to pay tribute to more than four years of publicly ridiculing everyone than with a lazily thrown-together clipshow.
Here are some of their most memorable moments, as selected by a panel of mysterious judges:
"It's an icon of our city, a symbol of what we stand for, a bastion of hope. There's nothing that says 'Warrnambool' quite like a giant Silver Ball."
- The Colonel on his house
"It’s the aboriginal word for the party you have when the tourists have all buggered off."
- The Doctor on the meaning of the word 'Wunta'
"A large percentage of marriages end up in divorce these days, so why should gays miss out on the fun? That's discrimination."
- The Doctor on gay marriage
"Helping the norms makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.''
- The Colonel on civic custodianship
"Everything I'm wearing is recycled or made from renewable natural fibres. Except for my sandals - I think they're partially made of dolphin."
- The Colonel's attempt at sustainability
"I've poured my blood, sweat and tears into and onto this community."
- The Colonel on civic custodianship
"If I ever meet this clown in the street, I'm gonna put my carbon footprint right up his arse. Let's see how sustainable he thinks that is."
- The Colonel on Captain Sustain-The-Bool
"I'd have more room if I folded myself into the size of a suitcase and got you to cram me into an overhead compartment. We're standing so close together that I think you've got your hands in my pockets."
- The Doctor on the quality of Warrnambool's train service
"Water is destroying our crops, killing our townsfolk and raping our women. And when there's a drought, where's water? Nowhere to be seen. And did you know sharks live in water? I don't know about you but I'm not comfortable with my children playing with sharks."
- The Colonel on the floods
"Because of you horse wowsers, all the jumps horses are going to have to be put down... and the jockeys. What else are they going to do? They're bred to be jumps jockeys."
- The Colonel on banning jumps racing
"There’s nothing quite like having mud pelted at you while you watch a bunch of funny-looking cars driving around in a circle for hours on end with a bunch of white trash hillbillies barracking for a crash.”
- The Colonel on the speedway
"They went overseas and got shot at and killed Hitler and saved Private Ryan, just so you could have the right to one day be conscripted by your elected government and sent to fight another war on foreign soil."
- The Colonel on diggers
"Idea number one: we take 12 people and dump them in the wilderness, far from civilisation or modern-day luxuries. I call it Survivor: Koroit."
- The Colonel's reality TV show idea
"Flagstaff Hill is actually better than stepping back in time because it has less disease."
- The Colonel on Warrnambool's attractions
"Hey kids! Throw away your Nintendos and divorce your parents, it's time for The Colonel's World Of Whales! It's so much potentially fatal fun that you might explode. Journey deep inside the whale! Touch its three hearts! Taste the ambergris! Crawl out its many blowholes!"
- The Colonel at Fun4Kids
"You know, these meetings are much harder to avoid since you started putting the meeting table in my bedroom."
- The Doctor on The Colonel's meetings
"Cigarettes give you cancer. Asbestos — cancer. Mobile phones — cancer. The sun — cancer. Microwaved food — cancer. Watching TV —cancer. Red wine — cancer. Eating vegetables — cancer. Puppies — cancer. Being born between June 22 and July 23 — cancer. I could make a list as long as my arm of things that give you cancer ... but it would probably give me cancer.”
- The Colonel on cancer
"Lapping can really take you places - often they're the same places, repeatedly - again and again - but they're, you know, places."
- K-Dog, King of the Lappers
"This is more than just your usual winter weather walloping. It's gonna be like that Kevin Costner movie where everything is underwater and we have to drink our own urine... I think it was called Field Of Dreams."
- The Colonel on this year's floods
"Why should I have to pay for a publicity stunt for the Christian church when I believe in dinosaurs?"
- The Colonel on the silver ball cross
"If you want to live in a town where tourists never go, move to Colac."
- The Doctor on Warrnambool residents complaining about tourists
"It's a scienceological fact that footballers give 210 per cent. Normal people give 100 per cent but footballers are special and give more."
- Thommo The Drunken Ruckman on footballers
"Is it time we stepped in and initiated a military-style coup like I've suggested many times in the past? I mean, who's running this bloody shire? Where's Bilbo?"
- The Colonel on Moyne Shire
"Animal cruelty? It's people like you who got Humphrey B. Bear taken off TV and released back into the wild."
- The Colonel on circus protesters
"Everyone knows jumps horses can't run. And if there are no jumps, the horses get confused and fall over."
- The Colonel on jumps racing
"Oh no, it’s not bizarre or weird at all. See, Scientologists believe that we all contain eternal spirits which were brought to Earth 75 million years ago by Xenu, the evil dictator of the Galactic Confederacy, and then he blew all the people up by putting hydrogen bombs in volcanos and then he sucked up the spirits and made them watch a 3D movie for 36 days that deprived them of their identity and now those spirits are called body thetans and they are the cause of everyone’s problems and then Xenu was defeated by Luke Skywalker and a team of Wookiees."
- The Colonel on Scientology
"People just did number twos wherever they felt like. They could have at least had some respect and only gone on the Allansford side of the river."
- The Colonel on illegal camping at Premier Speedway
"The greatest athletes in the world, coming together to get naked and wrestle and appease Zeus. And then there’s the national pride of watching Aussie swimmers flogging some poor African dude who comes from a country where they don’t have water.”
- The Colonel on the Olympics
*The Doctor & The Colonel - four blogs to go.
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