When The Doctor and The Colonel aren’t applying for jobs as shire CEOs, they’re watching over the south-west.
This week, The Doctor was sitting in the secret headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silver Ball when The Colonel returned home carrying several giant black plastic bags.
“What have you been up to?” The Doctor asked.
“Nothing suspicious,” The Colonel said. “Just going through people’s bins.”
“Why?”
The Colonel dropped his bags on the ground. “Haven’t you heard, Doctor? There’s talk of tearing down our headquarters, so I’m getting on the front foot.”
“By going through people’s bins?”
“That’s right, Doctor. I’ll give this place a bit of a spruce up so they don’t knock it down. We’ll heal this eyesore, Backyard Blitz-style.”
“So what’s in the bags?” The Doctor asked.
“Well, at first I thought we could improve the Silver Ball by actually coating it in silver. But I couldn’t find much silver in people’s bins so I just started collecting these instead.” With that, The Colonel poured piles of leaking aluminium cans out of the black bags.
“Colonel, you’ve just poured bin juice all over the carpet.”
“Forget that, Doctor — we have to start smelting these cans into liquid form so we can coat the ball.”
The Doctor frowned. “I don’t think that’s enough to stop people from wanting to tear this place down. I mean, they’ve already taken our ladder away...”
“I thought that was because they were putting in that elevator I’ve been lobbying for. And I wish they’d hurry up with that. It’s been a bitch getting up here with the shopping.”
“There’s not going to be an elevator, Colonel. I hate to say it, but I think you may have to accept that one day they’re going to tear the Silver Ball down.”
“Over your dead body!” The Colonel exclaimed. “They can’t tear us down if they can’t catch us! Thanks to a few modifications I’ve made over the years, this Silver Ball is now fully operational. And mobile. We can go on the run — Thelma And Colonel-style.”
“Are these the same modifications you made out of icy-pole sticks and duct tape that fell off last week?” The Doctor asked.
“Damn it!” The Colonel said as he began pacing. “They can’t tear us down, and if we can’t walk our headquarters out of here then we’ll have to stay and fight. It’s time to dig in, Gallipoli-style. Those bastards won’t know what hit them when I launch the nukes.”
“Colonel, this place is falling to pieces,” The Doctor said. "We might have to think about moving into a new headquarters.”
“Blasphemy!” The Colonel shouted, pointing his finger at The Doctor. “The Silver Ball is the iconic emblem of Warrnambool. It’s an architectural triumph. It’s a national treasure. It’s the eighth wonder of the modern world. It’s a perfect representation of man’s synergy with water and
metal alloy.”
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