WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren't shooting anyone who attempts to plank the Silver Ball, they're doing their bit for the south-west.
Last weekend, the dynamic duo held an Apocalypse Party in their secret headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silver Ball in preparation for the end of the world on May 21, as predicted by American evangelist Harold Camping.
Here are some comments overheard during the party:
"I hope the apocalypse really does happen tonight - I spent the last of my rent money on this goon bag."
"If I don't get any end-of-the-world pity sex tonight, I'm going to die a virgin."
"Is it okay to wear your pyjamas to the apocalypse? I didn't see the point in getting dressed up."
"The end of the world? But Richmond is doing so well this year!"
"I'm taking all bets on the type of armageddon - zombie apocalypse: 5 to 1, robot uprising: 8 to 1, the kind where Bruce Willis saves the day at the last minute: 20 to 1...."
"Swear to god, if I hear that REM song one more time tonight, I'm going to punch someone."
"Well, look on the bright side - at least the apocalypse means no more planking."
"The Silver Ball is actually a pretty defendable position against the inevitable post-apocalyptic mutant hordes that will be roaming the remaining wastelands in search of unirradiated human flesh."
"Seeing as how it's the end of the world, I'm going to tell you what I really think of you...."
"Of course I'll call you tomorrow baby...."
"Wake me up when the world ends. 'Cos I don't want to miss a thing."
"See? I told you Arnold Schwarzeneggar getting divorced was a sign of the apocalypse. Now Skynet will attack while he's at his most vulnerable."
"The Rapture is coming? I love that band!"
"Couldn't they postpone the end of the world until after the last Harry Potter movie comes out?"
"Did anyone think to stock up on bottled water and tinned food?"
"Personally I'm glad it's the end of the world because I was supposed to go to court on Monday."
"Is it too early to start drinking my own urine?"
"I hope they still have Facebook after the end of the world."
"Hey, who wants to hear that REM song again?"
"Good thing I wasted most of my life accumulating money and material possessions."
"Is it too late to convert to Islam so I can get my 72 virgins?"
"If this thing goes down, I want to go to hell - Satan has better taste in music."
"Hey gorgeous, guess what? You're the last thing on my list of things I want to do before I die."
"If I survive the end of the world, I'm going to bring back slavery and proclaim myself Supreme Uber-Lord of Planet Earth."
"I'm going to plank the crap out of the apocalypse."
"There's only two things that will survive the apocalypse - cockroaches and Keith Richards."
"That's it - let's settle this argument in the Thunderdome. Two men enter, one man leaves."
"Anyone want to go lapping one last time?"
"What if they threw an apocalypse and no one died?"
"I think my watch just stopped - that can't be a good thing."
"I'd always hoped my last meal would be nachos. See - dreams really can come true."
"Oh god, I just dozed off - did I miss the end of the world?"
"Did anyone think to check whether the guy who predicted this apocalypse was a nutjob or not?"
"Right - who put that f*****g REM song on again?"
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