WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren't sending 'get well' cards to Bert Newton, they're tackling the big issues facing the south-west.
This week, the dynamic duo were in their secret headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silver Ball wrapping up one of their semi-regular meetings.
"...and that's why the umpire reported me and I've been suspended for three weeks," The Colonel said. "But enough about my mixed netball team... I guess that concludes another extremely successful meeting."
"Wait a minute, Colonel," The Doctor said as The Colonel prepared to leave the meeting table. "I've got something to discuss."
The Colonel raised his eyebrows. "If this is about me leaving wet towels in your bedroom, I've already told you that you'll have to talk to my lawyers."
"No, Colonel, this is about the dregs of society using the Internet, particularly Facebook, to defame, insult, bully, harrass, libel and hurt people."
"This sounds like a suitably Colonel-sized problem, Doctor. Tell me more."
"Well, Colonel, an alarming trend has sprung up around the country, and more recently in the south-west, of anonymous bastards starting Facebook pages that allow other bastards to post defamatory information about other people."
"What kind of information, Doctor? This isn't about people bad-mouthing your movie reviews again, is it?"
"No, this is much worse. We're talking about people posting derogatory remarks about people's sexual prowess, alleged promiscuity and 'where they like to take it'."
"'Where they like to take it'? What, as in, up at Cannon Hill?"
The Doctor hesitated. "Ahh... yes."
"Well, this is outrageous, Doctor! I won't stand for this kind of behaviour in the south-west. Pull the plug!"
"What plug?"
"The internet plug. Turn the internet off. Now."
"You can't just turn the internet off, Colonel."
"Why not? Who's in charge of this damned thing?"
"No one."
"What? No one's in charge of the internet? Then who turns it on every morning?"
"Colonel, the internet is everywhere, all the time, and controlled by everyone."
"Well then, we need to ban these people from the internet. If they can't play with it properly then we should take it off them. And send them to their rooms. And give them Colonel-administered smacks."
"Banning people from the internet is a good idea, but it's kind of difficult to enforce. The internet is kind of like the Wild West - the sheriffs go in occasionally and crack down on something, like piracy, but mostly, unfortunately, it's a lawless world."
"Pirates in the Wild West? You're confusing and exciting me, Doctor."
The Doctor sighed. "All you need to know is that the internet is mostly un-policed, and unless something changes, this kind of thing will continue."
"Then it's time for The Colonel to go online and catch these cyber-pirate cowboys. Now... all I need to do is get into the internet... I think I saw how to do it in that movie Tron...."
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