WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren't voting with Cr Hulin, they're working to make the south-west a better place.
This week, The Doctor was in their secret headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silver Ball pruning his bonsai plants when The Colonel burst in, looking excited.
"Doctor," The Colonel exclaimed, "I've just discovered something new and amazing."
"Is it personal hygiene?"
"Nice quip, Doctor. But no - I don't even know what that is. I'm talking about a new form of television known as reality TV. It's like a cross between normal TV and real life but even better than both of them combined."
"That's not new, Colonel. Reality TV has been around since...."
"You're right, Doctor," The Colonel interrupted. "It is awesome. And you know why? It's because it's not staged or manipulated at all like normal TV, plus it's much cheaper to shamelessly exploit real people than pay writers and actors."
The Colonel turned on the TV and flicked through the channels. "Take this show, for instance. It's called Australians Can Do Stuff or something like that and it takes otherwise useless members of society and holds them up to ridicule and mockery for the entertainment of millions. Television hasn't been this exciting since Perfect Match put robots on TV for the first time."
"I didn't know Greg Evans was a robot," The Doctor muttered.
"Nice quip, Doctor. Wait - I don't even know who that is. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that I've decided that Warrnambool should host a reality TV show to shine a national spotlight on the south-west. Luckily, I've made a list of ideas just now for such an eventuality. Do want to hear my list, Doctor?"
"Do I have a choice?"
"Idea number one: we take 12 people and dump them in the wilderness, far from civilisation or modern-day luxuries. I call it Survivor: Koroit."
"Nice quip, Colonel. But I don't think the hard-working potato farmers of Koroit will go for it."
"Idea number two: Colac's Got Talent... actually, no scratch that. Idea number three: we bring together the best amateur lappers from around the country and pit them head-to-head in a series of adrenalin-pumping elimination lap-offs until one is crowned the new King of the Lappers. I call it So You Think You Can Lap."
"Pass."
"What about Australia's Next Top Drunken Ruckman?"
"No."
"Who Wants To Be Glassed In The Face?"
"Definitely no."
"Ok, Mr Smartypants," The Colonel said. "You come up with an idea for a reality TV show."
"Why would I want to do that?" The Doctor asked. "Reality TV is a vapid waste of space that takes valuable airtime and work away from actually talented writers, directors and actors while taking often untalented people and turning them into annoying minor celebrities. Sure, some shows may feature people with some extraordinary skills, but they're usually surrounded by a sea of inane cliches, manipulated melodrama and overwrought histrionics."
"But if we don't come up with a show, then I won't get to host it," The Colonel said. "I always pictured myself as a hotter, less witch-like Gretel Killeen."
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The Doctor & The Colonel: only seven blogs to go!
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