WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren't backing Banna Strand in its next jumps race, they're tackling the big issues facing the south-west.
This week, The Doctor was sitting in their secret headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silver Ball trying to ignore The Colonel, who was wandering from room to room with a large rubbish bag.
Eventually, The Doctor's curiosity got the better of him and he grabbed the bag from The Colonel's hand as he passed nearby.
"All right, what the hell are you doing?" The Doctor asked. "What's in the bag?" Before The Colonel could answer, The Doctor began rummaging through the bag. "Toothbrushes... a domino set... my mint-condition Star Wars figurines! What's going on?"
"Haven't you heard, Doctor?" The Colonel replied. "Warrnambool City Council has launched a war on plastic. Plastic has been insidiously infiltrating our society ever since it was invented by Jesus and Thomas Edison. It clogs our scenic stormwater system, strangles our dolphins, and chokes our children with its Lego blocks."
"Why is the toilet seat in the bag?"
"Because it's made of plastic! I'm going around the house collecting all the plastic. We're at war, Doctor." The Colonel snatched the bag back from The Doctor and spied a bowl of cereal on the coffee table. "Plastic breakfast bowl - into the bag!" he said as he threw it into the bag.
"My Rice Bubbles!" The Doctor cried.
"No time to cry over spilt Rice Bubbles, Doctor. We're at war." The Colonel wandered into the kitchen and began going through the fridge. "Kraft singles - into the bag! Margarine container - into the bag! Brocolli - well, it's not covered in plastic but I hate it anyway... into the bag! In fact, pretty much everything in this fridge has got plastic around it... hang on... I'm pretty sure a lot of this fridge is made of plastic. I'm gunna need a bigger bag!"
"Colonel, I don't think Warrnambool City Council is waging a war on all plastic...."
"Nonsense, Doctor. Everything must go! And this is just the first phase of the campaign. I start with getting all the plastic out of our headquarters and then I move onto getting the plastic out of everyone else's headquarters."
"How do you plan to do that?"
"I'm forming the Plastic Police. We'll break into people's homes in the dead of night and take their precious plastic, kind of like a reverse Santa Claus... or the Gestapo. I'm taking all the plastic. This is a big operation, Doctor. Bank notes have to go, but I'm going to replace them with new notes made out of wood. And our next-door neighbour's prosthetic leg has to go... and I think she's had a bit of work done... that will have to go too."
The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Colonel, you can't get rid of all plastic. Modern society is pretty much built on the stuff. It's in everything. But that's beside the point. The council is trying to reduce the amount we throw away. Our levels of plastic waste are too high, and a lot of it ends up in the wrong places. I think council's idea of banning plastic bags and getting people to cut down on the amount of plastic bottles we use is great, but they need to do more than that. Perhaps they could encourage plastic recycling with a scheme similar to the five-cent bottle and can refunds in South Australia or cracking down on industrial plastic waste and litterers."
The Colonel stared vacantly at The Doctor, who just sighed. "What were you going to do with all this plastic anyway, Colonel?" The Doctor asked.
"I was going to do my bit for the environment and set it all on fire."
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