WHEN The Doctor and Colonel aren't eagerly awaiting their gold-class VIP tickets for the Capitol Cinema re-opening, they're doing their best to look after the south-west.
This week, the dynamic duo are in their secret headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silver Ball, where The Doctor is working on the computer while The Colonel is playing with his recently purchased Loch Ard peacock miniature replica.
"Colonel," The Doctor said. "You won't believe it but we've got mail."
"Really?" The Colonel exclaimed, standing up quickly and knocking over the peacock, snapping it's head off. "Oh crap - there goes the best $25,000 I ever spent."
"Nevermind that, Colonel, listen to this text that we've received: 'To the escorts seen climbing the Silver Ball with pizzas and a six-pack, pls put knickers on next time, I had the kids with me!'. Signed, D."
"What the hell?" The Colonel shouted. "That was my mum bringing me dinner! How dare he insinuate my mother is a prostitute? It's not here fault it was laundry day."
"You mean that woman wasn't an escort?" The Doctor asked.
"What was that, Doctor?"
"Nothing," The Doctor continued, turning back to the computer. "There's another message here from our website, and I think it's from Mayor Michael 'The One' Neo. It says: 'Didn't get the Agenda P.S See fb site: Doctor & The Colonel join fb so we can add you !!!'. Signed, The One."
"What the hell?" The Colonel yelled. "About bloody time! I've been waiting for the city council to approve my funding requests for years!"
"What are you talking about?" The Doctor asked.
"Fb - financial backing. Finally The Doctor and The Colonel will be rate-payer funded, as it should be. Think of all the amazing things I can achieve - the Lake Pertobe monorail, project, increased parking in subterranean high-tech car parks that stretch deep into the earth's core, the southern hemisphere's largest Jonathan Brown staute...."
"Colonel, I think 'fb' means 'Facebook'."
"No, Doctor, I think you're mistaken. This message is a clear sign that the council will back any and all of my ideas, no matter how crazy you say they are, Doctor."
"If I were you, I'd call the council before I started spending any money," The Doctor said, turning back to the computer. "Here's another website message: 'Gold. This is the best thing in the paper. Will we ever get to see their faces?'. Signed, Zippo."
"What the hell?" The Colonel exclaimed. "Why is this person going on about gold and paper? And what kind of superheroes would we be if we revealed our secret identities?"
The Doctor frowned. "What are you talking about? We don't even wear masks. And all of your t-shirts have 'I Am The Colonel' written on the front of them."
The Colonel shrugged. "Just because we have secret identities doesn't mean that we should miss out on a great marketing opportunity."
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