WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren't starring in commercials promoting a carbon tax, they're protecting and educating the south-west.
This week, the dynamic duo left their secret headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silver Ball to visit a south-west primary school.
"This is great, Doctor," The Colonel said as they waited in the classroom for the pupils to arrive. "I really believe my Superheroes In Schools program could do a lot for these juvenile deliquents."
"What exactly are you hoping to do?" The Doctor asked.
"I want to teach them the important things in life so they too can grow up one day and become a superhero who's almost as successful and important as their hero, The Colonel."
"Well, I guess anyone can go into schools these days and teach whatever rubbish they want, such as Creationism and homophobia, so I don't see why we can't teach them things too. Although, maybe you should let me do the talking."
"Nonsense, Doctor - there's no 'I' in 'Team Colonel'."
A bell rang and suddenly the classroom was filled with children who all sat cross-legged on the floor in front of The Doctor and The Colonel and gazed up at them.
"Hello kids," The Colonel said pleasantly. "I bet you all know who I am."
The pupils all continued to stare blankly.
"I'm The Colonel," he announced. "You know... The Colonel."
A child raised his hand.
"Yes?" The Colonel asked. "You there... the little fat kid in the front."
"My dad says you're a fictional character," the child replied.
"Your dad's obviously a moron and probably a terrorist."
Another kid put his hand up, but The Colonel dismissed him with a wave of his hand. "Put your hand down, Four-Eyes. You're all hear to listen to me in the hopes that you might turn away from your lives of crime and your sex and your drugs and become decent upstanding citizens like The Doctor and myself. Well, not so much The Doctor...."
Another kid put up their hand. "What's sex?"
The Colonel froze. "Umm... ahh... I think I'll let The Doctor handle that one."
The Doctor gave The Colonel a sidelong glance. "I think what The Colonel is trying to say is that he wants to teach you how to make a difference in your community and become a valuable member of society."
"That's right, Doctor," The Colonel said, regaining his composure. "I want to teach you important life lessons like gun safety and knife-fighting and how to survive behind enemy lines and witchcraft and how to get the last bits out of your toothpaste tube."
Another kid raised his hand. "Yes, you got a question, Tubby?" The Colonel said.
"Can I please go to the toilet, sir?"
"See that's the problem with you kids today," The Colonel ranted. "Always shying away from a hard day's work. That's why you're all so fat."
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