WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren't selling ringside seats to the imminent Tower Hill eruption, they're doing their bit for the south-west.
This week, The Doctor left the warmth of their secret headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silver Ball and headed to Fun4Kids, where he fought his way through the crowds in search of The Colonel's stall.
Eventually he found it. The stall consisted of a card table and a poorly made banner that read "The Colonel's Werld Of Wales", which hung on a large curtain behind the card table.
As The Doctor approached, he caught the tailend of a conversation The Colonel was having with a mother and her young children.
"Oh no, ma'am," The Colonel was saying. "In fact, whales are actually violent killers. Most reported shark attacks are perpertrated by whales, according to my research. That's why whales beach themselves so often - they're after the sweet, sweet taste of human flesh. Also, some Japanese people believe they are the greatest danger facing our oceans. That's why they send out fleets each year to whale nesting grounds."
"Nesting grounds?" the mother said.
"Oh yes, whales are renowned for their nests. They burrow them into the ocean floor, creating vast networks of tunnels similar to ants, which they then furnish with seaweed, sunken pirate ships and dead squids."
The mother looked baffled and a little frightened as she led her children away from The Colonel's stall.
"Don't forget we've got shows every hour!" The Colonel called after her.
"What are you doing, Colonel?" The Doctor asked.
"Ah, Doctor, glad you could make it to The Colonel's World of Whales."
The Doctor surveyed the scene. "I'm actually impressed, Colonel. This stall seems relatively tame compared to your previous exploits."
He stopped as a loud moaning sound emanated from behind the curtain.
"What was that?" The Doctor asked.
"Oh, that's just Steve."
"Who's Steve?"
"Steve's my educational aid. I caught him at high-tide down at Logan's Beach this morning."
"Please don't tell me Steve is a whale."
"Of course he is, Doctor. How are kids supposed to learn about whales without having a hands-on experience?"
"Is he in a tank?"
"No, Doctor, it's a common misconception that whales require water to live. Whales are mammals - they breathe air and read magazines like the rest of us."
"I don't think that's the case, Colonel."
"Who's the whale-ologist here?"
"Why have you got a whale at Fun4Kids?" The Doctor asked incredulously.
"I told you, Doctor - hands-on experience. I do shows every hour where people can watch a feeding and take a guided whale tour. We enter through the mouth and come out the blowhole. In fact, I'm just about to start a show now."
The Colonel picked up a megaphone. "Hey kids! Throw away your Nintendos and divorce your parents, it's time for The Colonel's World Of Whales! It's so much potentially fatal fun that you might explode. Journey deep inside the whale! Touch its three hearts! Taste the ambergris! Crawl out its many blowholes!"
A small crowd had gathered by this stage and The Colonel grabbed the curtain in hand. "Prepare to have your child-like minds blown... by Steve!" The Colonel yelled.
He yanked the curtain, revealing a sickly looking whale. The crowd "ooh"ed and "ahh"ed, but became increasingly concerned as the whale started to thrash around.
"Quick, Doctor, hand me my tranquilizer gun! Steve's got that crazy look in his eye again."
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