WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren't building mud castles on Warrnambool's Civic Green, they're serving the south-west.
This week, the dynamic duo were in their secret headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silver Ball, where The Colonel was pacing back and forth while The Doctor tried to ignore him.
"I need your help, Doctor," The Colonel said finally.
"I'm a bit busy, Colonel - I've got some very important magazines to read."
"This is serious, Doctor. Can't you see I'm incredibly bored? I've already dealt with this week's major problems, including several unsolved murder mysteries and people leaving their cars unlocked. Now I've got nothing left to do."
The Doctor looked up from his magazine. "How about you go on a pointless tax-payer-funded fact-finding mission like David Hawker?"
"David Hawker? Isn't he that guy that owns the McDonalds franchise in Warrnambool?"
"No, that's Trevor Hawker."
"Oh. Is David Hawker that annoying blond guy off that TV show Just Shoot Me then?"
"No, that's David Spade."
"Oh. Then he must be the current king of Saudi Arabia?"
"No, that's Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz."
The Colonel paused. "Then who the hell is David Hawker? And why is he going on tax-payer-funded fact-finding missions?"
"He's the member for Wannon and is due to retire shortly," The Doctor said, "but he's decided to visit Mongolia and Bhutan for the good of the south-west."
"Actually, Doctor, that sounds like a very worthwhile junket. While he's in Mongolia he can negotiate a trade deal regarding tasty Mongolian beef dishes and those funny little hats they're so fond off. And while he's in Bhutan, he can strengthen relations with the Dragon King Jigme Wangchuck."
The Doctor sighed. "Yes, it's obviously a very worthwhile trip for a non-portfolio-holding, soon-to-retire member of parliament from south-west Victoria."
"You're right, Doctor - I should definitely go on a fact-finding mission for the benefit of our region. If it's good enough for that guy from Just Shoot Me, then it's good enough for me. First, I'll go to Paris to investigate the latest developments in roundabout technology. Then I could go to Japan to look at the findings from all that scientific research they've done on whales over the years... and also to learn the ways of the ninja. Then I'll go to Iceland to look at the economic impacts of volcanic explosions, just in case Tower Hill goes off. Then I'll head to the underwater kingdom of Atlantis to set up a sister city program. Then I'll go to the Marianas Trench and brave the gloomy depths and crushing pressure of the sea floor to claim it in the name of Australia and Her Majesty Julia Gillard."
"Those suggestions are probably as worthwhile to the tax-payers of Australia as a trip to Mongolia," The Doctor said.
"Excellent," The Colonel said, clapping his hands. "I'll start packing and you get on the interweb and book me some flights. Be sure to send the bill to David Hawker."
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