"Okay, Doctor, you distract them and I'll surprise them from behind," The Colonel said.

Before they could move, they noticed a limousine driving through the mining army.

The limousine drew closer, parking in front of them, and the well-dressed businessman from three episodes ago appeared through the sunroof.

"Ah, The Doctor and The Colonel," the businessman said. "I knew the people of Warrnambool were too fat and lazy to unite behind you and fight us."

Suddenly, there was another rumbling behind the dynamic duo and the businessman's smug expression faded.

The heroes turned to see a massive mob of cars and people streaming down from the Mortlake Road roundabout, the rising sun shining upon them. There were lappers in their hotted-up Commodores with doof music blasting away annoyingly, utes filled with footballers sucking on stubbies, artists and musicians in beat-up kombi vans with strange-smelling smoke wafting from the open windows, and busloads of old people mumbling about the kids of today. There were showjumpers and jockeys on horseback, armed like cavalry soldiers. There were pool teams bearing cues, Apex clubs wielding cricket bats, and members of the Salvation Army bristling with grenades and guns. There were tradies with angle-grinders, chefs with meat cleavers and that guy from the video store, who had somehow procured a bazooka from somewhere. Even Warrnambool's city councillors appeared to have laid their petty differences aside and picked up a selection of swords, battle axes and flails.

"You see, Doctor," The Colonel said. "I've always said the people of Warrnambool weren't a bunch of good-for-nothing gutless wonders."

The businessman regained his composure. "You won't defeat us," he said. "Everyone knows that making money by destroying the planet is more important than people's lives."

The Colonel glared at the businessman before turning to face the army of Warrnambool residents.

"People of Warrnambool," he said. "Long have I heard you complain about having to pay for parking in the CBD, continual rate rises, how annoying Fun4Kids is, how jumps racing is either barbaric or wildly entertaining, and how Max Dumnesny never wins anymore. But Warrnambool is a wonderful place to live and sometimes we get so wrapped up in the negatives that we forget all the great things about our city, like the sheer joy of hanging a lap in Liebig St on a Tuesday night or the pleasure you get from going on the big slide at Lake Pertobe. Who hasn't been humbled by the exhibits of Flagstaff Hill or marvelled at the legend of the Mahogany Ship and then become lost in the sand dunes for three days while looking for it? Haven't you gotten burgers from Kermonds because you're hungover from drinking all night at the Gal or looked at the war memorial from a certain angle where it seems like the angel is playing with her massive...."

"Wreath," The Doctor interjected. "Massive wreath."

"Yes, wreath," The Colonel continued. "And haven't you all marveled at the wonders of Wunta or loved a whale and fought your inner urges to harpoon it? And while I've got your attention, I'd just like to mention that the driver of a white Commodore, licence number QGR 197 - you've left their lights on."

The Colonel paused for a moment before raising his crime-fighting axe into the air. "Attack!" he yelled.

***

THE battle was swift and brutal. Hordes of footballers swarmed bulldozers and drop-kicked the drivers out of them. Senior citizens beat miners into bloody puddles with their walking frames. Musicians cut swathes through the enemy with their increasingly bloodied bass guitars. The Doctor led the Warrnambool Go-Kart Club into the fighting. The Colonel hacked ineffectually at a steamroller with his crime-fighting axe.

But it soon became evident the weight of numbers was against Warrnambool, and they were no match for the heavy machinery of the miners. The bodies of the fallen were strewn across the battlefield and there were more Warrnamboolians than miners among the dead. Middle Finger Industries was winning.

Suddenly there was a wooshing sound from above and as one, the fighters on both sides looked up. There, flying across the early morning sky, was Captain Sustain-The-Bool, swooping into battle, his cape fluttering behind him.

He flew low over the battlefield and environmentally friendly laser beams flashed from his eyes, hitting a bulldozer that exploded into a furious fireball. As he continued on his path, more pieces of machinery became fiery wreckages thanks to the rays of recyclable red light shooting from his eyes.

The people of Warrnambool cheered at Captain Sustain-The-Bool's battle-turning exploits and threw themselves into the breach once more with renewed vigour.

But The Captain's actions also drew the attention of the Middle Finger Industries command centre, which began directing its laser cannons at him. They fired at The Captain, narrowly missing him and forcing him to move to a safer distance.

"We've got to take out that command centre!" The Doctor yelled to The Colonel.

"I know," The Colonel replied. "And I've got just the thing."

He pulled a small explosive device from his pocket. "Are you ready, Doctor?"

The Doctor nodded. "I'm ready."

The dynamic duo set off at a sprint into the heart of the opposing forces, leaping from bulldozer to bulldozer, throwing the device between each other as they slashed their way through the enemy.

They swung their weapons cleanly, dodged gracefully and fought valiantly, all the while heading closer and closer to the command centre. Eventually they defeated their last foes and jumped onto the giant mobile headquarters. Dodging its built-in weaponry, they ran to the top of the machine and entered a hatch, dropping inside.

On the battlefield, the battle raged on until suddenly, a large explosion emanated from within the command centre. The blast was followed by a series of bigger blasts, and the enormous vehicle shuddered visible before collapsing upon itself.

Then the whole thing exploded, as if a nuclear bomb had just gone off inside it.

***

AFTER the loss of their command centre, the miners lost heart and retreated, leaving the army of Warrnambool victorious.

Captain Sustain-The-Bool descended from the heavens, landing gently among the Warrnamboolians. The Doctor and The Colonel were nowhere to be seen.

"People of Warrnambool," The Captain said. "You have fought valiantly and saved our fair city from destruction. But this victory has come at a great cost, for we have lost two of the finest men to call this thriving metropolis home. We will never forget The Doctor and The Colonel, because they will live on forever in our hearts and memories and old copies of The Standard, until we use them to line our bird cages or put down on the floor because we need to do some painting. While it's possible they may have survived so they can revive their column in a couple of years time when they run out of money, it's easier now for me just to say that, for all intents and purposes, they're effectively dead. Try not to cry or be sad. Take heart in the fact that one day we'll build a huge statue of them on top of the Silver Ball so that we may gaze upon it in awe as we remember their ultimate, but in no way legally binding, sacrifice. The Doctor and The Colonel truly were Warrnambool's superheroes."