WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren't enjoying last drinks in the streets of Koroit, they're battling the evils that ravage the south-west.
This week, The Colonel entered their secret headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silver Ball wearing spurs, chaps and a 10-gallon hat.
"Howdy pardner," The Colonel said. "Ready for some ropin' and wranglin', possibly followed by some kind of hootenanny?"
The Doctor looked up from his copy of Not Quite Right: Pisa & Other Great Leaning Towers Of The World and stared at The Colonel. "Why are you dressed like a cowboy?" he asked.
The Colonel jangled his spurs. "Haven't you heard, Doctor? There are mad cows on the loose in Warrnambool, running wild and free through our streets, grazing on our median strips, and laying potentially deadly cow pats on our previously cow-free footpaths."
"Hold your horses, Colonel," The Doctor said. "The cow's already dead. It was shot eight days ago. And it was a steer, not a cow."
"A shoot-out? How many cops did it take out before it went down in a Bon Jovi-inspired blaze of glory?"
"None," The Doctor said. "They managed to kill the steer before anyone was seriously injured."
The Colonel's shoulders slumped. "Well, paint my wagon - that's not fair! I was looking forward to lassoing and hog-tying the beast myself. Oh well - at least I've got the free civic barbecue to look forward to, where the sweet meat of victory will be shared by the community."
The Doctor returned to his reading. "I guess you'll just have to hang up your spurs until next time, Colonel."
"You're right, Doctor!" The Colonel exclaimed. "We have to be ready for the next stampede of raging bulls that comes charging through our streets! We have to be vigilant and prepared for the next horde of Herefords, army of Anguses or flock of Freisians that threatens our way of life and impressionable youth. Imagine if one of these bloodthirsty bulls got into one of our kindergartens, aged-care facilities or local china shops! Before too long, we could be surrounded by buffalo, wildebeests, yaks, zebus and gnus!"
"I think you're getting carried away, Colonel...."
"Nonsense, Doctor. We have to take the bull by the horns here, otherwise it won't be safe to walk down the street wearing red. We have to shut the gate before the cow bolts. We have to keep ahead of the herd. We have to think of as many cow-related analogies as possible."
"I think you're milking this situation a bit too much."
"Good one, Doctor! Now, I've already come up with a few solutions to keep these hungry, hungry heifers out of our CBD. Firstly, we should erect an electric fence around the city. Then we need to put cattle grids into our streets so they can't come and go as they please. Then we must arm our police officers with cattle prods and pieces of poly-pipe."
"Are you done?" The Doctor asked.
"Are you kidding, Doctor? I could go on like this until the cows come home."
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