WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren't shmoozing the big wigs at the Business Excellence Awards, they've got the best interests of the south-west at heart.
This week, The Doctor returned from a Wollaston Bridge Appreciation Society meeting to their secret headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silver Ball to find The Colonel standing in the loungeroom with a large object covered by a sheet.
"I'm glad you're here, Doctor," The Colonel said. "You're just in time for the unveiling."
"If this is another one of your attempts at building a time machine, then I'm not interested," The Doctor replied, heading for his room.
"This is even better than that - check this out." The Colonel grabbed the sheet and whipped it off the object. "Ta-dah!"
The Doctor stopped and stared. "Colonel, that's the Three Pillars Of Instant Gratification."
"Well spotted, Doctor!"
"Is it the real one?"
"Of course it is," The Colonel said. "I only deal in genuine art works."
"Why the hell have you brought it here?" The Doctor exclaimed.
"Now, Doctor, you may well ask why I've brought it here ..."
"I just did! You're gonna get in so much trouble for this. If the community finds out you've stolen their statue, they'll lynch you on the Civic Green."
"Nonsense, Doctor. No one will have known that I've instigated Operation Desert Storm. You see, I knew that within days of the installation of this artwork it would have been targeted by one of Warrnambool's many art vandal gangs, such as The Desecrators, The Articiders and Hell's Morons. So I took it upon myself to remove the statue - for it's own protection - and keep it somewhere safe where everyone can enjoy it."
"We're the only people that come here, Colonel. And besides, you're still gonna get your arse kicked when everyone discovers the statue's missing."
"They won't notice, Doctor - that's the beauty of Operation Desert Storm. You see, I've left an exact replica in its place. No one will even know the real one is gone ... except for the fact that I broke off one of its hands while I was installing the fake. Probably because it's only made of papier-mache."
The Doctor frowned. "I'm sure there was a better way of protecting the statue. However, I've got to say, Colonel, I think this statue is going to be a vandal magnet and there's not much you can do about it - which is really sad. But mark my words, I reckon that in 20 years' time, the people of Warrnambool will come to love and be proud of this piece of art. The community will end up giving it a smutty nickname and it will become an icon of the city."
"You may be right, Doctor, but I've already taken my own measures to protect the statue, aside from stealing it. For one, I've electrified the replica so that anyone who touches it will be zapped with 40,000 volts. Secondly, I've filled it with a hive of African killer bees that will attack anyone loitering around the statue. And lastly, it's radioactive."
"Why would you bother to do all that to a replica?"
"It's the Three Pillars Of Crime Fighting Gratification," The Colonel said proudly as he leaned on the statue.
Suddenly, thousands of African killer bees swarmed out of the statue's mouths and filled the room.
"Actually, Doctor," The Colonel yelled as he madly swatted bees away from his face, "I think I may have grabbed the wrong one."
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