WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren't dodging cows, they're upholding the law in the south-west in their own special way.
This week, The Doctor was sitting in their secret headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silver Ball working on his tapestries, when The Colonel burst in.
"Porn War, Doctor!" The Colonel exclaimed. "Porn War!"
The Doctor dove for cover behind the couch.
"No, no, Doctor, not here - the porn war is in Portland this time."
"What? As much as I love the idea of a 'porn war', what the hell are you talking about?"
"I don't know - I just saw 'Porn War' written on the front page of the paper and went off half-cocked."
The Doctor picked up a copy of the paper from the coffee table and scanned the article on the front. "It seems a wowser in Portland was offended by a shop selling 'hens' night novelty items' and has complained to the council, which has responded by ordering the shop to either get rid of said items or get an 'adult bookshop' planning permit."
"Oh," The Colonel said. "That's nowhere near as exciting as the paper made it out to be."
"Yeah, they'll do that."
"I imagined a porn war to be something mummies and daddies do when they love each other very much."
"Do you even know what porn is, Colonel?"
"Of course I do... umm... but you say it first."
The Doctor rolled his eyes. "This isn't even about porn, Colonel. It's about the silly novelty items that people buy as a joke for hens' nights and bucks' parties and sports club end-of-year trips."
"Oh, I get it," The Colonel said. "Wait a minute... I thought these novelty items were a cultural tradition of the south-west. For decades, young brides-to-be have enjoyed the sacred rite of passage that involves drinking a UDL can through a penis-straw. It's a way for soon-to-be-married women to signal to prospective males that they're available for one last mating ritual. And don't forget the aprons... no self-respecting male would dare to cook a barbecue on a footy trip without an apron featuring two over-sized novelty mammaries. And no poker night would be complete without a chauvinistic male whipping out a deck of playing cards featuring women displaying the pubic hairstyles of the '70s. And how can anyone object to a grown adult parading around a pub adorned in plastic penises?"
"For someone who doesn't know what porn is, you seemed to know a lot about this kind of stuff."
"I saw a David Attenborough documentary on it."
The Doctor stroked his chin. "Your kind of right in a weird way - we shouldn't ban these items... and no one is suggesting we should but I bet a few wowsers are thinking it. The issue is children, Colonel. People are concerned about kids seeing these novelties. And while I agree they shouldn't be paraded around in front of children, the harm these things could potentially cause is negligible compared to what they can see on the internet or music videos or TV or movies or video games these days. I think wowsers should be more concerned about bigger issues than this."
"That's right, Doctor, wowsers should waste their time protesting against things like the validity of climate change and genital origami and satirical columns in local newpapers."
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