WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren't hanging out with Indian cricket greats, they're tackling the important issues facing the south-west.
This week, The Doctor was sitting in their secret headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silver Ball restoring antique furniture, when The Colonel returned wearing a fedora.
"What are doing wearing a hat?" The Doctor said. "I've told you a million times I'm the one that wears the hat."
"But this time I've got a really good reason," The Colonel replied. "We're about to go on an adventure, and everyone knows you can't go on an adventure without a hat."
"Adventure? I've told you a million times returning DVDs is not an adventure."
"No, this is serious, Doctor. Saddle up the pack mules and grab the Junior Scout Master Orienteering Set. We'll be facing grave danger and snake pits as we machete our way through thick jungles of snakes while sucking the poison out of each others snakebites."
"I thought you were banned from the reptile park...."
"No, no, Doctor - we're going on a crusade to find an ancient relic that carries international significance and magic powers."
"What ancient relic?" The Doctor asked.
"I don't know exactly... I think it's some kind of philosopher's stone or crystal skull or some kind of lamp with a genie in it. The important thing is we have to find it, whatever it is, before the Nazis do."
"Are you talking about the limestone block with footprints of unknown origin that was dug up in a Raglan Parade quarry in 1890 and has now gone missing?"
The Colonel clapped his hands excitedly. "That's great, Doctor - let's go find that instead! Now, first we're gonna need a map...."
"There's not going to be a map, Colonel."
"Of course there is! There's always a map. That's how these things are done. It will be entrusted to us by a dying man with his dying breath, and it will lead us to this magical stone of which you speak. X marks the spot, Doctor."
"There's no dying man, there's no map and there's no Nazis. I think the stone has just been lost in transit."
"Well if there's no map, then how will we find it? I've already looked down the back of the couch. And we have to find this precious artifact. If the Footprints Of Unknown Origin Stone has been lost, then how will we ever find out the origin of the footprints? It could be proof of the Australian Bigfoot, otherwise known as the yowie, bush ape or bunyip."
"So now there's Nazis and bunyips involved, Colonel?"
"It certainly looks that way, Doctor." The Colonel began pacing. "Now where could the stone be? Hmmm... maybe it's buried with the Mahogany Ship... or maybe it's up a Norfolk Pine... or maybe it's in Granny's Grave."
"You can't go and desecrate Granny's Grave looking for some stone," The Doctor said.
The Colonel frowned. "Would Indiana Jones have found the Temple of Doom without desecrating a few grannys' graves?"
Email a friend