WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren't battling the ash cloud in hot air balloons with industrial fans, they're protecting the south-west from danger.
This week, the dynamic duo left their secret headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silver Ball and travelled to Tower Hill.
"What are we doing out here?" The Doctor asked. "I've already told you the ash cloud wasn't caused by Tower Hill erupting."
"I know that, Doctor," The Colonel said. "We're out here to solve a bigger problem - the problem of cars crashing into kangaroos."
"Ok... should I be worried about your possible solution?"
"Of course not, Doctor. This is a problem that can be solved with a gun. Guns solve everything."
"Are you getting on board the idea of a kangaroo cull?"
"Don't be silly, Doctor. Kangaroos are beautiful, majestic and tasty creatures, and it's not their fault they're getting hit by cars. No, I'm planning to shoot out the tyres of any cars that get too close to hitting a kangaroo."
"Isn't that a bit dangerous?"
"Do you have a better suggestion... that can be solved with guns?"
"Well, no, but they could lower the speed limit near Tower Hill and increase the signage warning people about kangaroos in the area."
"That's a great idea, Doctor. Let's run it by the locals." The Colonel wandered off towards a mob of kangaroos.
"What locals?"
"The kangaroos, Doctor. Don't worry - I'm a practitioner in the ancient art of kangaroo whispering."
The Colonel approached a kangaroo carefully and cocked his head. "What's that, Skip?"
The kangaroo looked from where it was eating grass and stared blankly at The Colonel.
"No, I don't care if Timmy's fallen down the old well," The Colonel said. "I want to know what you think about cars killing kangaroos on our roads."
The kangaroo went back to eating the grass, but The Colonel nodded his head repeatedly for a while before turning back to The Doctor.
"Well?" The Doctor asked. "What did the kangaroo say?"
"I've met with the head kangaroo - the mayor, if you will - and after much deliberation and discussion, we've arrived at a measured solution that will appease both parties. Are you ready to have your mind blown by a kangaroo, Doctor."
"No...."
The Colonel waved his hands dramatically. "Lollipop ladies for kangaroos. It's perfect - the kangaroos are protected and it creates jobs."
"What a ridiculous waste of money... although we are in Moyne Shire...," The Doctor said. "But this whole issue is as stupid as your suggestion. If people drove sensibly in areas where there might be kangaroos, there wouldn't be a need for people to go off half-cocked and suggest we cull one of the reasons tourists visit the region. We should be more concerned about people crashing into stray cattle."
"Finally," The Colonel said. "A problem that can be solved with guns."
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