WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren't offering to fill in for councillors while they face court, they're tackling the big issues facing the south-west.
This week, The Colonel was sitting in their secret headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silver Ball playing war games with his action figures when The Doctor returned.
"Put your Barbie dolls away, Colonel," The Doctor said. "We've got a real battle to fight."
"They're not Barbie dolls, Doctor," The Colonel replied. "They're articulated action collectables. And hang on a minute, will you? I've got a situation here - Barbie and Ken are having a domestic. I think Ken's really gonna leave her this time."
"No time for that, Colonel. There's a group of Warrnamboolians who are being oppressed and need our help."
"Who is it this time? Freemasons vs Rotarians? Merrivale vs Old Collegians? Cowboys vs Indians?"
"No, Colonel. I'm talking about Deakin University increasing the cost of parking on its grounds and removing all the free carparks."
The Colonel looked at The Doctor while he thought for a moment. "So?"
"What do mean 'so?'?" The Doctor retorted. "We're talking about marginalised and vulnerable uni students here."
"Bah," The Colonel scoffed. "Everyone knows uni students are swimming in money. They're always blowing their dough on useless items such as books and laptops and John Butler concerts. And university is incredibly expensive - how else do you pay for it if you're not loaded? Plus, I think you'll find that most of the world's high-rollers went to uni. Also, 52 per cent of all students live just above the poverty line. And 67 per cent of uni students make up a large part of the high-paying fast food workforce. And 13 per cent of words in the English language start with 'S'."
"That last statistic has nothing to do with what we're talking about."
"Yes it does. 'Students' starts with 'S'."
The Doctor buried his head in his hands. "Why do I even bother?" he muttered before looking back at The Colonel. "Look, this is how it is: uni students are not rich. They often have to work multiple jobs to afford their course materials and associated expenses, plus their accommodation and food. And then they're lumped with a massive HECS debt that hangs over their heads for the rest of their lives. And now the university wants them to pay for the privilege of parking their cars so they can undertake their hugely expensive uni courses."
"Ok, you've convinced me. Who do you want me to kill?"
"No, Colonel, you can't kill anyone. We need to attack this the old-fashioned way - we'll make some brightly coloured placards, write some protest songs about The Man getting us down, and hold a John-and-Yoko-style love-in."
"Hang on a minute," The Colonel said. "Aren't I the one who usually comes up with the ineffectual hair-brained schemes?"
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The Doctor & The Colonel: only eight blogs to go!
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