WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren't wondering who the hell it is outside with the angle grinder, they're keeping the streets of the south-west safe.
This week, the dynamic duo are in their secret headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silver Ball, where The Colonel has called a meeting.
"Thank you for joining me, Doctor," The Colonel said. "Let's get this meeting underway. I'd first like to recognise the traditional owners of this Silver Ball, the space aborigines. Now, on to item one of the agenda - The Apologies. We've got a few apologies this week - Jonathan Brown had to pull out because he's done a hammy, Teddy Whitten couldn't make it because apparently he's dead, and Warrnambool mayor Michael "The One" Neoh said he didn't want to come because he thinks we're just fictional characters. Now, on to agenda item number one - The Doctor's drinking problem."
"What?" The Doctor exclaimed.
"Now, it says here in this report that I wrote that you drink more alcohol per capita than any other regional centre, you have an above average rate of alcohol-related crimes, and you also have a high percentage of performing something called 'a nudie run'."
The Doctor rolled his eyes. "That's very interesting, Colonel," he said, playing along.
"Now, don't try to argue with me, Doctor," The Colonel said firmly. "I'm doing this for your own good."
"Oh, please help me, oh wise one," The Doctor said ironically, "because obviously I have eroded all my brain cells with alcohol and can no longer think for myself."
"Excellent!" The Colonel exclaimed. "That means you won't object to all the new alcohol by-laws I've introduced to curb your drinking habits. By-law number one: you are only allowed to drink in certain zones within the Silver Ball. The imbibing of alcohol is forbidden in your bedroom, the kitchen and the laundry, but is still permitted in the lounge, the maintenance cupboard and the ballroom. Drinking is also permitted in the toilet, but only between the hours of 2pm and 6.15pm and only with a meal."
"Why would I want a meal in the toilet?"
"What you eat in the toilet is your own business," The Colonel said, turning a page on his report. "By-law number two: I will be instigating a lock-out. If you're not inside by 6.30pm, you'll have to sleep elsewhere."
"I usually sleep elsewhere anyway," The Doctor said.
"Agreed," The Colonel said, turning another page. "By-law number three: you will only be allowed to have certain items delivered to your home. These items are pizza, newspapers, flowers, items purchased on eBay and escorts."
The Doctor sighed. "Colonel, you can't tell people when and where they can and can't do something that's perfectly legal. Sure, there are sometimes when it's called for, such as drinking in the CBD, but isn't it going over the top to tell people what they can and can't do in their own homes?"
The Colonel thought for a moment. "I'm sorry, Doctor, my mind is made up. This is for your own good. Meeting adjourned!" The Colonel stood and clasped his hands together. "Good meeting, Doctor! Now it's time for the traditional Warrnambool rate-payer funded post-meeting booze-up. Nothing deserves a booze-up more than serving the people."
"Great," The Doctor said. "I'll get on the phone and order us some pizza and escorts."
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