WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren't asking Joe Hockey what it's like to have a sport named after him, they're solving the many problems facing the south-west.
This week, the dynamic duo went for a drive, leaving their secret headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silver Ball and heading north.
The Doctor gave directions while The Colonel drove, but they were almost to Mortlake before The Colonel thought to ask what the purpose of their mission was.
"Doctor, what's the purpose of this mission?" The Colonel asked. "Are we going olivine prospecting again, because it's kind of like shooting fish in a barrel?"
"No, Colonel, we're going bird-watching," The Doctor said.
The Colonel veered off the road suddenly and skidded the car to a halt. "I hope that's some kind of euphemism for staring at human females and nothing to do with birds of the feathered variety," The Colonel said.
"Surprisingly, Colonel, I'm actually talking about the feathered variety."
The Colonel glared at The Doctor. "You know I have an irrational paralysing fear of birds," he said. "Why would you deliberately take me into their natural habitat?"
"Oh, come on, Colonel," The Doctor said, obviously enjoying The Colonel's discomfort. "There's nothing scary about a 1.3-metre-tall, meat-eating bird with a sharp beak and beady eyes."
The Colonel began to sweat. "Holy crap, it's a velociraptor that's gonna go Jurassic Park on my arse and rip out my innards. Or possibly go Jurassic Park on my innards and rip out my arse."
"What?" The Doctor said. "I'm not talking about 'raptors, Colonel - I'm talking about brolgas. They're an iconic bird of the south-west but they're on the brink of extinction. Their habitat is under threat and their offspring are being killed by introduced predators and human interference."
"But why should I care about a three-metre-tall man-eating bird?" The Colonel asked. "For all we know they probably stalk and devour seven school-children each week."
"Don't be ridiculous, Colonel," The Doctor said. "I thought you cared about the environment, conservation and sustainability."
"Sustainabilit y?" The Colonel said, perking up. "Of course I care about that. In fact, this could be the perfect opportunity for me to get one-up on that Captain Sustain-The-Bozo." The Colonel started the car again and pulled out from the side of the road. "Yes, I can see it now, Doctor - a massive media campaign called The Colonel Saves The Brolgas. Campaigns are all the rage these days. The first thing I'm going to do is start a Facebook group, 'cos they always work."
"Actually, Colonel, there's already a project underway to save the brolgas. They're researching the ecology and movements of the species, as well as collecting records of nesting and flocking sites, sightings, and injured or dead animals."
"Dead animals?" The Colonel said. "Why didn't you say so? I think I just hit three of them back there on the side of the road."
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