WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren't getting a free geothermal relaxation bath in Worm Bay, they're righting wrongs in the south-west.
This week, The Doctor left their secret headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silver Ball after being summoned by The Colonel to the Warrnambool breakwater.
When The Doctor arrived, he found The Colonel standing aboard a huge sailboat resting on a boat trailer in the car park.
"Climb aboard, Doctor," The Colonel said. "Welcome to the HMAS Mitch The Friendly Butcher. I wanted to name my new boat after a local icon. Plus, I thought people might like that random local pop-culture reference."
"Where did you get the boat from?" The Doctor asked.
"I built her myself," he said, affectionately patting the railing, which promptly fell off. "I whipped it up using two full-grown Norfolk pines, a ton of concrete and all of our tea-towels."
"Will it float?"
"Well, I'm pretty sure the concrete's set," The Colonel said. "In fact, I was hoping you would join me on her maiden voyage. You can be the first mate and I will be Captain Colonel... no, wait... Admiral Colonel."
The Doctor frowned. "What do we need a boat for? This better not have anything to do with the scientific harpooning of whales again."
"No, no, Doctor, we've got bigger fish to fry. I'm talking about tuna... and possibly dolphin, which apparently tastes similar."
"Have we run out of food again?"
"No, no, Doctor. This is about returning Warrnambool to its former glory as a bustling port. You see, currently Warrnambool is missing out on the lucrative fishing dollar because anglers are bypassing here and heading to Port Fairy and Portland in record numbers to catch tuna that are as big as Paul Salmon... or possibly two Jonathon Browns taped together." The Colonel began pacing the deck as he spoke. "We need to catch that market. We need a way to lure them in. We just need the perfect bait and then we can really hook them. And we need the right tackle. Have you got the right tackle, Doctor?"
"Last time I checked...."
"Then join me on board my trusty vessel!" The Colonel announced, slapping another piece of railing, which also fell off. "We'll sail the seven seas of the Lady Bay and catch us the mightiest tuna these landlubbers have ever laid eye on! That'll show 'em Warrnambool's the most timber-shivering place to haul man-eating bluefin from Davy Jones's Locker! Argh!"
"Did you just make a pirate noise?"
"Argh, that be true, Doctor."
The Doctor eyed the boat and then looked at the nearby boat ramp. "Colonel, the reason the fishermen don't come here is because the boat ramp is inadequate."
"Nonsense, Doctor, that's a shipshape ramp if I ever saw one," The Colonel said. "Now, let's christen this bad boy."
The Colonel produced a large magnum of champagne and struck the boat with it. The boat promptly crumbled into a heap on the trailer.
The Colonel eventually emerged from the wreckage, carrying the unbroken magnum of champagne. "You know, they really should do something about that ramp."
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