This week, The Colonel came bursting into their secret headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silver Ball, disturbing The Doctor’s afternoon nap.

“Doctor, we’ve got a medical emergency,” The Colonel exclaimed.

The Doctor wiped the sleep from his eyes. “I’ve already told you, Colonel — I’m not examining that rash again.”

“No, Doctor, this is far more serious. I’m talking about cancer.”

The Doctor sat bolt upright. “Cancer? Have you got cancer?”

“Not yet, but I will have soon if the federal government has its way,” The Colonel said.

“How do you figure?”

“Well, everyone knows that everything gives you cancer these days but the government doesn’t care about it. They won’t give the south-west a much needed cancer care centre, so obviously they don’t care if we get cancer and die.”

“That’s a bit harsh ... and not everything gives you cancer.”

“I beg to differ, Doctor. Cigarettes give you cancer. Asbestos — cancer. Mobile phones — cancer. The sun — cancer. Microwaved food — cancer. Watching TV —cancer. Red wine — cancer. Eating vegetables — cancer. Puppies — cancer. Being born between June

22 and July 23 — cancer. I could make a list as long as

my arm of things that give you cancer ... but it would probably give me cancer.”

The Doctor sighed. “Okay, but I don’t think the government wants us to get cancer and die.”

“Rubbish, Doctor — this is just another case of the government ignoring the south-west’s needs. First it was our roads, now it’s our health, and it’s time for radical action. It’s time for a revolution... and possibly dancing in the streets. It’s time for the south-west to secede from the Commonwealth of Australia and create our own sovereign nation. It’s time for the People’s Republic of Warrnambool.”

“Colonel, if the federal government says it can’t fit a cancer care centre into their billion-dollar budget, how is

the People’s Republic of Warrnambool going to afford one?”

The Colonel scratched his head. “Bake sales? Meat raffles? Those bingo tickets you get at the pub? I don’t know... I’ll leave those details up to my treasurer.”

The Doctor frowned. “The only way to get the cancer care centre this region so desperately needs is to continue to lobby the government. It worked for the rescue helicopter.”

The Colonel nodded thoughtfully. “Maybe we could give the government something in exchange for a cancer care centre, something we have lots of ... I’ve got it — southern right whales! I hear those things go for a mint on the Japanese black market.”