This week, we present to you a letter proposed, written, edited and spell-checked by The Kernel to the city and shire councils of the south-west:

Dear councils,

As you know, we (The Doctor and The Illustrious Colonel), have been on the frontlines for the past four years, performing our civic duties as the self-appointed superheroes of the south-west.

It has come to our attention that we have not been paid for these services.

We're sure this is merely an oversight made by the staff members in your respective accounting departments (perhaps you should consider replacing them) and the problem can be rectified swiftly in order to avoid overdue penalties.

To assist you in responding with the correct payment, we have attached a concise yet detailed 460-page report regarding our endeavours over the past four years to make the south-west a prosperous and largely habitable place (we're still working on Mortlake and Garvoc).

Here are some highlights from my incredibly awesome report:

• We increased the whale populations of Portland and Port Fairy through our catch-and-tether program.
• We prevented Tower Hill from erupting on at least three separate occasions.
• We monitored and documented the habits and routines of Warrnambool's lappers as part of our Lapper Outreach Program.
• We invented Sheepvention.
• I'm pretty sure we had something to do with stopping penguin deaths on Middle Island... somehow.
• We oversaw the removal of various foreign objects from Norfolk Pine trees.
• We successfully achieved our entertainment and offensiveness quota over 194 columns.
• We took major steps towards reducing the glass-to-face ratio in Portland, Warrnambool and Hamilton.
• We put money in someone's parking meter the other week.

In the course of performing our duties, we incurred some minor costs, which are detailed on pages 45 through 283. These include: