WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren't being read by at least seven people weekly (publisher's claim), they're being lazy and compiling clip shows of all their wittiest zingers, lamest put-downs and zaniest one-liners.
"If you want to live in a town where tourists never go, move to Colac."
- The Doctor on Warrnambool being 'chockatouros' in summer
"Who's next? Teddy Whitten? Darren Millane? Lou Richards? No, wait, I think Lou Richards is dead already...."
- The Colonel on Ron Barrassi getting attacked
"Australia Day isn't about planting flags or oppression. It may have represented that once, but now Australia Day is all about how we are one, but we are many, and from all the lands on Earth we come, because the last plane out of Sydney's almost gone."
- The Colonel on the meaning of Australia Day
"You thought the Kings Of Leon were a bunch of monarchs from Leon."
- The Doctor on The Colonel's knowledge of music
"It's important for us to talk to the little Aussie battler and pretend to listen to their problems, no matter how insignificant and crackpot they are."
- The Colonel on liaising with the local community
"You want to keep the stinky toilet block, the dull concrete-and-asphalt motif and those two cement mounds that look like a pair of tits?"
- The Doctor on the Breakwater area
"What is it you do around here that can't be done by a small number of minimum-wage migrant workers?"
- The Colonel on The Doctor
"It's a scienceological fact that footballers give 210 per cent. Normal people give 100 per cent but footballers are special and give more."
- Thommo The Drunken Ruckman on footballers
"Football is all about commitment and heart and accountability and heart and eating oranges and showering naked after the game with a bunch of men and heart and cross-dressing on footy trips and playing the ball, not the man... unless the man says something your missus."
- Thommo The Drunken Ruckman again
"Is it time we stepped in and initiated a military-style coup like I've suggested many times in the past? I mean, who's running this bloody shire? Where's Bilbo?"
- The Colonel on Moyne Shire
"Animal cruelty? It's people like you who got Humphrey B. Bear taken off TV and released back into the wild."
- The Colonel on circus protesters
"No one's going to come here anymore now that we don't have horses jumping over things. We may as well close the town down... everyone's going to have to move to Portland or, Gods forbid, Colac."
- The Colonel on the death of jumps racing
"Because of you horse wowsers, all the jumps horses are going to have to be put down... and the jockeys. What else are they going to do? They're bred to be jumps jockeys."
- The Colonel on jumps racing again
"They could get jobs as Santa's helpers at Christmas. Or they could infiltrate schools to bust drug rings."
- The Doctor on the same issue
"I don't know about you about the idea of a dude turning his tackle into a hamburger doesn't turn me on."
- The Colonel on claims that Puppetry Of The Penis is pornographic
"I've sabotaged Moryne Shire's new tourism campaign so the slogan now reads 'Screw Moyne Shire, let's go to Warrnambool'."
- The Colonel on the Warrnambool-Moyne rivalry
"You just have to beware that playing the polkies is like walking into a brothel with wads of cash - I wouldn't do it personally but ultimately you're gonna get screwed."
- The Doctor on pokies
"Step right up, step right up! Get yourself a bona fide genuine Doctor and The Colonel showbag, folks! Marvel at the Inflatible Colonel Axe, perfect for dealing out your own brand of Colonel-style justice... justice not included! Be amazed by the amazing Doctor Watch, guaranteed to stop working as soon as you get home... yet still tell the time twice a day! Be struck dumb by the incredible lack of likeness and genitals in our Doctor and The Colonel action figures! And you also get a lollipop shaped like my head! What about you, kid - do you wanna suck my head?"
- The Colonel at the show
"Everyone knows jumps horses can't run. And if there are no jumps, the horses get confused and fall over."
- The Colonel on jumps racing
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