WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren’t volunteering to fire any cannon that may need firing, they’re keeping a watchful eye on the south-west.
This week, The Doctor had planned to take some time to himself and go for a leisurely drive along the scenic Great Ocean Road, but unfortunately The Colonel had other ideas.
“I’m so glad you invited me along, Doctor,” The Colonel said from the passenger seat as they drove through Port Campbell.
“I didn’t,” The Doctor replied. “You were hiding in the backseat of the car.”
“Yep, it’s so good that we can spend some time together, away from the office,” The Colonel continued obliviously. “It’s a great opportunity to get to know you as a person and not just a sidekick. Ooh, look – it’s London Bridge! Pull over, Doctor! Duty calls!”
The Doctor sighed as he pulled over into the car park, which was chockatouros. The Colonel bounded from the car and rushed to the viewing platform.
“Isn’t it magnificent?” The Colonel said as The Doctor caught up. “A wondrous sight demonstrating the epic geological battle between Father Time and Mother Nature. Oh, and Poseidon… I’m pretty sure it’s a three-way battle. Every time I behold this majestic panorama, I immediately think, ‘gee, I’d buy a stubbie holder with that on it’.”
“Thousands of people do that every year,” The Doctor said evenly.
“Yes, but it’s not enough, Doctor!” The Colonel said, slamming his fist on the railing. “We need more people coming here… and staying for longer! We need to suck every last juicy drop of tourist dollars out of ‘em. We need to get them spending money in our local businesses and on our penguins.”
“But isn’t this new plan of taking people down on to the beach and into the penguin’s native habitat going a bit far for a quick buck?”
“That’s correct, Doctor. It’s bad for the environment and it’s also dangerous – those penguins will take your head off as soon as look at ya. Let’s not forget the time the penguins killed all those Maremmas on Penguin Island. And that’s why I’ve brought you here today, Doctor. You see, I’ve got a better idea - a little project I like to call London Bridge II.”
The Doctor groaned as The Colonel continued. “People hate it when you demolish old historic bridges, so my plan is to restore London Bridge to its former glory, brick by brick, using sandstone, polystyrene, and wood from old-growth forests.”
“Aside from the shocking environmental impacts, won’t that just fall down again?” The Doctor asked.
“Not once we’ve coated it in a water-retardent, vulcanised-rubber polymer mixed with superglue that I’ve been concocting in our secret laboratory.”
“So that’s what that mess was in the bathroom,” The Doctor muttered.
“But that’s not even the best bit,” The Colonel went on. “At the end of the rebuilt London Bridge I’m going to construct a Penguin Adventure Park, with animatronic dancing penguins and educational rollercoasters and a casino.”
“What right-minded individual would object to that?” The Doctor said sarcastically.
“That’s nothing,” The Colonel said. “Wait ‘til you hear what I have planned for the four and a half missing Apostles.”
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