Opinion

Jumping to conclusions

WHEN The Doctor & The Colonel aren't vying for the Liberal leadership, they're helping Warrnambool overcome it's many problems.

This week, The Doctor returned to their secret headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silverball to find The Colonel in tears.

"What's the matter Colonel?" The Doctor said. "Did someone finally tell you Santa's not real?"

"Yes," The Colonel sobbed as he blew his nose loudly. "But that's not why I'm crying."

"Well, good luck with that," The Doctor said as he headed for his room.

"Don't you want to know why I'm crying, Doctor?"

"Not particularly," The Doctor sighed.

"I'm crying over the death of Warrnambool," The Colonel said. "I've worked so hard to make this metropolis the thriving city it is today, but those obese felines up in the big smoke are telling me what animals I can and can't use to jump over things for sport and in doing so have destroyed Warrnambool."

The Doctor took a deep breath. "Did you ever cry like this when a horse actually died during a jumps race?"

"This isn't about horses, Doctor, it's about the racing industry. It's about the future of our beloved city. No jumps racing equals no May Racing Carnival equals no Warrnambool... or so I'm led to believe."

"A jumps racing ban will possibly hurt the May Racing Carnival and our local economy a bit," The Doctor said, "but crying about it isn't going to do anything. The decision's been made, Colonel, whether you like it or not. The best you can do now is put your efforts into making the May Racing Carnival better than ever without jumps racing."

The Colonel wiped his eyes and stood up defiantly. "You're right, Doctor," The Colonel said, puffing out his chest. "We need to make the May Races the most attractive racing event in Australia. We need to make it... sexier... because sex sells. We need to have all jockeys riding in budgie smugglers and bikinis. And the horses should be wearing make-up and lingerie. That's bound to attract people from all over the world, like Timboon."

"I don't think you need to go that far, Colonel," The Doctor said. "If people are really keen to show their support for jumps racing, why don't you just organise flat races for ex-jumps horses?"

"Everyone knows jumps horses can't run. And if there are no jumps, the horses get confused and fall over."

"What do you think the horses do in between jumps?" The Doctor said incredulously.

"I don't know," The Colonel said. "That's the part where I lose interest."

Posted By: MATT NEAL on 4/12/2009 9:07:00 AM | Comments (1)

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Whine, whine bloody whine, so damned typical of The Colonel and his jumps racing coalition of dare I say friends. More like a coalition of money grubbing, un-feeling fools living in a past age. How many times do The Colonel and the purveyors of pain have to be told before it sinks in that jumps racing, as we know it is OVER. The observations, statistical facts and appeals have been heard debated upon and the jury verdict has been delivered. LIVE WITH IT! If The Colonel and his coalition of disgruntled “diligaf’s” wish to continue with a form of jumps racing, then they should ACCEPT CHANGE and move into steeple chasing, where instead of crashing through brush barriers at breakneck speed, the horses move somewhat slower and actually need to JUMP an obstacle as opposed to just crashing through. NOTHING IN LIFE IS CERTAIN EXCEPT CHANGE.

Posted by The Warrnamboolian, 4/12/2009 12:41:10 PM, on The Warrnambool Standard