Last week, The Colonel was at the 156th annual Warrnambool Agricultural Show, where he had set up a stall to sell showbags.

"Step right up, step right up!" The Colonel barked at the crowd. "Get yourself a bona fide genuine Doctor and The Colonel showbag, folks! Marvel at the Inflatible Colonel Axe, perfect for dealing out your own brand of Colonel-style justice... justice not included! Be amazed by the amazing Doctor Watch, guaranteed to stop working as soon as you get home... yet still tell the time twice a day! Be struck dumb by the incredible lack of likeness and genitals in our Doctor and The Colonel action figures! And you also get a lollipop shaped like my head! What about you, kid - do you wanna suck my head?"

"It's me, you idiot," The Doctor said. "And I don't think you should say things like that in public."

"What?" The Colonel said. "I'm talking about my lollipop."

The Doctor perused The Colonel's stall. "What is all this junk?"

"This isn't junk," The Colonel pouted. "This is the one and only World's Biggest Doctor and The Colonel showbag," he said, waving his hands dramatically.

"It's got everything, Doctor! Gross-out your friends with your own tub of glow-in-the-dark Doctor Slime, guaranteed to stain everything it touches! Be confused by the remarkable Colonel-brand stringless yo-yo... hours of befuddlement for the whole family! Scare old people with your Doctor and The Colonel temporary tattoo - it's potentially toxic fun! All this for just $125! Kids, badger your parents until they buy you one!"

"Are you actually selling any of these?" The Doctor asked.

"Now that you mention it, Doctor, sales are a little low. Friday at the show just ain't what it used to be."

"That's because schools aren't allowed to give students the day off to attend on Fridays," The Doctor said. "Apparently the government thinks it's more educational for kids to have a public holiday where they're surrounded by gambling and alcohol at the Warrnambool races, rather than come to the show."

"Well, you can't argue with logic like that," The Colonel said. "We just have to come up with ways to make the show more wag-worthy for school children."

"Wag-worthy?"

"Yea h, you know, we have to make it so irrestible that kids ditch school and come here for some good, clean agricultural fun."

"And how do you suggest we do that?"

The Colonel scratched his head. "Maybe we need to make it more like the Warrnambool Cup... throw in some gambling and alcohol. And would it kill them to have a jumps race?"