WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren't getting disqualified from the whaleboat races for actually harpooning whales, they're out and about in the south-west doing their bit for the region.
This week, The Doctor was sitting in their secret headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silver Ball and organising his VHS collection, when The Colonel burst in, reeking of smoke and covered in asbestos.
"You'll never guess what happened," The Colonel said excitedly.
"It smells like you've been rolling around in ashtrays."
"Close - the Criterion Hotel burnt down! And you missed out! Anyone who was anyone was there - it was the biggest social event of the year! Even bigger than the Warrnambool Entertainment Centre theatre season launch!"
"So more people watched the Cri burn down than actually went there in its last few years?"
"Yes," The Colonel enthused.
"Isn't that a bit depressing and voyeuristic?"
The Colonel paused. "I don't think you understand, Doctor - shit was on fire."
The Doctor sighed. "Don't you think it's a bit sad that so many hundreds of people would turn out to watch an iconic part of Warrnambool's culture burn to the ground, yet hardly anyone turned out to support the Criterion Hotel when it was hosting the new and exciting live original bands that played there? A lot of acts got their first start at the Cri and it was one of the last bastions of the Warrnambool music scene. But people only cared about it when it was on fire."
"You're right, Doctor - the Cri burning down is the death of Warrnambool's original live music scene...."
"Well, it's been closed for two years and there's still The Loft... although The Loft is on the market, so you maybe on to something...."
"No, I'm with you 100 per cent, Doctor," The Colonel continued obliviously. "Now where are new local bands going to play their first heartfelt death metal epics or deal with drunken ignorant hecklers or run along the bar and pour beers mid-AC/DC-esque guitar solo? It's a tragedy and an outrage and an outrageous tragedy."
"Well, why don't you buy The Loft or start up your own original live music venue?" The Doctor said encouragingly.
"Capital idea, Doctor! Let's have gigs right here in the Silver Ball! It would be totally rock and roll - nothing rocks and rolls better than a giant ball." The Colonel paused for a moment. "Although the equipment load-in would be a bitch."
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