WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren't celebrating American pagan holidays by hollowing out pumpkins, they're ensuring people in the south-west can sleep soundly at night.
This week, our dynamic duo are at one of Warrnambool's gaming rooms, where The Colonel is trying his luck on the pokie machines.
"Have you lost all your money yet?" The Doctor said, returning from the bar. "We've been here for two hours."
"Not now, Doctor, I'm on the verge of a big win here - I can smell it," The Colonel said.
The Doctor sighed. "Colonel, you're not going to win big. These machines are rigged to take your money."
"No, it's okay, Doctor, I've got a system - The Colonel's Money Cash Win Now Now System. It's geometrically proven." The Colonel leaned closer to The Doctor and dropped his voice to a whisper. "Don't tell anyone, but it involves changing the hand I push the button with every two minutes, only inserting coins minted in 1997, and only using machines facing magnetic north-west."
"You're an idiot."
"Watch and learn, Doctor, watch and learn." The Colonel changed hands and pushed the button. "Oooh, two cherries - that's got to be good."
When the machine failed to spit out any coins, The Colonel became angry. "What the hell? You're kidding me! That was my last dollar!" He kicked the machine. "You evil son of Satan's Super Nintendo! Give me my money back! Don't make me shove my hand up your coin slot!"
The Colonel began violently shaking the machine as a gaming attendant approached.
Later, out on the street, after our heroes had been forcibly ejected, The Colonel continued to rant.
"Those damned machines are the biggest scourge facing Warrnambool today!" he exclaimed. "They're stealing money straight out of the pockets of hard-working retirees, uni students and Colonels everywhere. And it's not just me that thinks that, Doctor - the whole community is in an uproar about more pokie machines coming to Warrnambool."
"We're not getting more pokies, Colonel," The Doctor said. "Warrnambool is already at it's maximum number of machines and all that's happening is the existing machines are being redistributed. And it's hardly a 'scourge' - for the majority of people it's just a bit of entertainment. It's only a small percentage of people who turn into pokie zombies."
"Zombies?" The Colonel said excitedly. "Where?"
"Settle down, Colonel," The Doctor said. "Look, I'm not saying pokies are a good thing, but at the end of the day it's up to the individual whether they play them or not. You just have to beware that playing the pokies is like walking into a brothel with wads of cash - I wouldn't do it personally but ultimately you're gonna get screwed."