WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren't patrolling Hopkins River for mullet poachers, they're giving their all for Warrnambool.
This week, The Doctor and The Colonel were in their secret headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silver Ball. The Doctor was sipping on a brandy, listening to Beethoven, when The Colonel entered the lounge room, dripping wet and wearing nothing but a towel.
"Doctor, I need you to have a look at this rash,'' The Colonel said as he walked in.
The Doctor spat brandy across the room reflexively. "I'm not that kind of doctor.''
"Really? What kind of doctor are you?''
"I'm not a medical doctor,'' The Doctor said, sipping more brandy. "I'm more Dr Who than Dr House. More Dr Doom than Dr Doolittle. More Dr Feelgood than Dr Frankenstein.''
"Whatever. Does this look infected to you?''
The Doctor spat his brandy out again. "You should get that looked at. And not by me.''
The Colonel examined his rash closely. "It only pops up when I have shower. Maybe I should stop washing myself.''
"But you only just started.'' The Doctor sipped his brandy again and tried unsuccessfully not to look at the rash. "Maybe it's caused by fluoride.''
"Fluoride?'' The Colonel exclaimed. "Why didn't anyone tell us it might have side effects? Someone should have started a petition! There should have been action groups! There should have been protesters erecting tents in the main street! Won't somebody think of the children?''
"I think you'll find some people did all those things. It's been well documented a certain percentage of the population has an adverse reaction to fluoridated water. And stop pointing that rash at me.''
The Colonel put his rash away. "That's okay. Obama's gonna right all the wrongs. He's gonna take the fluoride out of the water. He's gonna pop a cap in Bin Laden's ass. He's gonna single-handedly defeat the alien invasion and save the world.''
The Doctor raised an eyebrow. "I don't think Obama's going to take the fluoride out of the water. Or defeat any aliens. He's been elected President of the United States of America, not President of Australia."
"Who cares? Obama's win made me proud to be black.''
"You're not black!''
"So what? A white man can dream, can't he? Dr Martin Luther King Jr had a dream. Why can't I?''
The Doctor smiled. "We might not be black but when Obama was elected, the little black man in everyone did a celebratory slam dunk.''
The Colonel suddenly stopped in his tracks. "Wait a minute, hold up. Did you say Obama's not the President of Australia?''
"With all the media coverage, you could be forgiven for thinking that, Colonel.''
The Colonel frowned. "It doesn't matter anyway. Obama is faster than a speeding a bullet. Obama can leap tall buildings in a single bound. Obama's gonna save the world... from the aliens.''