This week...

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

The stockings were hung from the mantle with care,

In the hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

But the silence was smashed by a deafening roar,

As a rotating blade did slide through the door.

With a splintering crash the doorway lay open,

And there stood The Colonel, his chainsaw a'smokin'.

"Ho, ho and ho," he said very loud,

And dumped a huge sack full of things on the ground.

The barrage of noise could have woken the dead,

And a family peeked into the loungeroom with dread.

"Greetings my friends," The Colonel did shout, "Now where is the cookies and milk you've laid out?"

The man of the house produced a large gun:

"Put down the chainsaw and get the **** out of my house, you freak, before I call the police!"

The Colonel brushed sawdust from off of his sleeve,

"No need to bicker for 'tis Christmas Eve.

"And I bring you presents and seasonal cheer,

"For I have been watching your family all year."

The man with the gun was unmoved by his plea.

"Watching us? What are you, some kind of ******* pervert? Get out of our house, you sick nutjob!"

"I see you're upset by the loss of your door,

"But no one builds houses with chimneys no more.

"So what's a poor Colonel to do on his quest,

"To give gifts to the family that is the 'Bool's best?"

The Colonel reached down and opened his sack,

While the family nervously took a step back.

"For mum there are chocolates and dad gets a book,

"And for playful young Timmy there's a Transformers Optimus Prime Action adventure playset with real flashing lasers and sound effects, batteries not included."

The father looked fearful and turned to his wife,

"Sheryl, go and call the cops - I'd hate to have to shoot a guy in front of the kids on Christmas Eve."

Suddenly The Doctor appeared at the door,

He took in the scene and down dropped his jaw,

At The Colonel all dressed in a suit coloured red,

And a quivering family and a gun at his head.

"What the hell have you done, Colonel? You said you were going out to deliver presents, but then I realised the chainsaw was missing... Terribly sorry about this, folks - I think The Colonel's had a few too many Christmas eggnogs."

As the poor Doctor dragged the dear Colonel away,

From the family he'd now left in strange disarray,

The Colonel exclaimed as he vanished from sight,

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"