WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren't issuing lawsuits to stop people distributing photos of them in the shower, they're serving the south-west and its residents.
This week, The Doctor was in their secret headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silver Ball trying to relax while The Colonel rushed around busily.
"Don't just sit there, Doctor," The Colonel said finally. "We've got to get ready for the big festival this weekend."
"What festival is that, Colonel?"
The Colonel frowned. "You know... the Gnata-something... the Nadawada... the Gnatahoohaa...."
"You didn't actually say anything there, Colonel - you just kind of trailed off."
"Just because I can't pronounce the name of the festival and don't know what it's about doesn't mean it's not important, Doctor."
The Doctor grinned. "It's called the Gnatannwarr Multicultural Festival, Colonel, and it's a celebration of the melting pot of rich and diverse cultures that make up the south-west."
"Brilliant!" The Colonel said. "That's exactly the type of festival this country needs right now. That, and more festivals involving folk music."
"I don't know about the folk music, but you're right about the first bit," The Doctor replied. "Australia is fast getting a reputation overseas for being a backwards and xenophobic nation."
The Colonel looked shocked. "That's terrible. It pains me to know that Australians are perceived as hating xylophones."
The Doctor rolled his eyes. "It means that we hate people who weren't born here. But what most of these bigoted Aussies don't realise is that many of our iconic national heroes were born overseas."
"Like who?"
"Jimmy Barnes, John Farnham, Russell Crowe, four-fifths of AC/DC, Andrew Symonds, Nicole Kidman, Mel Gibson, Naomi Watts, The Bee Gees, Guy Pearce, Jim Stynes, Olivia Newton-John, Phar Lap, Hugo Weaving, Jelena Dokic, Bryce Courtenay, Billy Thorpe - all born overseas. Even Tony Abbott was born in England, but I wouldn't claim him as an iconic national hero."
"And that's not counting Don Bradman, Kim Clijsters and the kangaroo that played Skippy," The Colonel added helpfully.
"I'd pull you up on those if it was worth it, but instead I'm going to carry on," The Doctor said. "My point is that Australia is the nation it is today because of the fusion of cultures, brought here by people seeking a new life, a new beginning and new opportunities in a bountiful and beautiful country."
"And pizza," The Colonel added.
"Huh?"
"You know? Pizza. The flat bread that they put tomato paste on and...."
"Yes, I know what pizza is, dipshit. I meant what do you mean?"
"Oh," The Colonel uttered. "I meant that we wouldn't have pizza in Australia if not for the people who came here from foreign lands. If you're going to be a racist in this country and hate people with funny surnames, you better not be eating pizza or noodles or curry or kebabs or beef stroganoff or kiwifruit or slurping down a nice cold bowl of Ukranian borscht."
The Doctor nodded. "That's not a bad point," he said. "And to be a racist in Australia goes against our national anthem, the very song that is supposed to sum up our great country."
"You mean that girting bit?"
"No, Colonel. I mean the lines, 'For those who’ve come across the seas/We’ve boundless plains to share'."
"Wow, you've got a beautiful singing voice," The Colonel said. "Can you do Khe Sanh?"
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