WAITER wanted. Good pay and conditions. Apply within.
Despite the simplicity of this type of notice, it’s apparently no longer an acceptable way to advertise a vacant position.
These days, if companies want to find new staff, they apparently have to “sex up” their recruitment drives.
Read any of the career lift-outs these days and you’ll see what I mean.
A notice placed by a cafe chain seeking a new staff member would now have to read something like this: An ultra-dynamic, global gourmet firm is searching for a vibrant, goal-setter and getter who can work in synergy as a team player and be responsive to customer-focused needs.
While latest research supports the theory that keeping an active mind wards off dementia , I must admit that I can’t be bothered with the recommended crosswords or sudoku. Instead, every Saturday, I get to energise my brain cells when I pick up the newspapers and turn to the employment sections to play the quiz I call (roll the music): “Naaaaame thaaaaat Job”.
Try it and you’ll see what I mean. Gone are the days when a bartender was a bartender, a receptionist was a receptionist and a mechanic was a mechanic.
Instead, they’ve been replaced with titles like beverage attendant, front desk agent and fuel injection technician.
But no matter how exciting businesses try to make their positions sound, they will always involve tasks that mean rotting your leather shoes with spilt beer, cracking your fingernails on the computer keyboard or destroying your navy overalls with sump oil.
Here’s some more examples from my quiz:
- Inventory interpreter — traditionally known as a spare parts salesman/woman but the job obviously now comes with a requirement to be able to talk the language spoken by fuel filters, fan belts, bolts and nuts etc.
- Sandwich artist/technician — Subway calls them artists and elsewhere they are glorified as technicians, this role involves creating edible masterpieces for those hungry lunch-time crowds.
Director of first impressions — I like this one. It’s the position of receptionist/front of house. Account liaison officer — the person who chases up outstanding debtors and politely requests they pay up before threatening to send the collection agency or sheriff in.In the latest rounds of advertisements, I’ve noticed a chemical manufacturing facility in central Queensland searching for a reliability manager. It comes with the following job description:
“Your new role will see you developing innovative reliability plans and strategies to ensure the smooth running of a major facility which will produce in excess of 300,000 tonnes of explosive grade ammonium nitrate a year.”
All this when a few simple words would have sufficed: “Your challenge is to ensure that staff do not blow themselves to smithereens.”
It also begs the question: why do local councils join in the game of sexing up the names of their senior positions?
Historically the person in charge of a municipality’s roads and assets was known as an engineer. A simple, easy-to-understand title that every ratepayer understood.
But today that title is known as physical services director at the Warrnambool and Moyne councils, as director works and services at Corangamite, as group manager assets and infrastructure at Glenelg and, at Southern Grampians, director shire infrastructure.
I’m also not sure whose idea it was to change the order of words in management titles but I think “works and services director” sounds much better than “director works and services” and “assets and infrastructure group manager” also rolls off the tongue better than the current title.
I’m just waiting for the day where a CEO becomes the OCE (officer chief executive), the leader of the local police station the sergeant senior or even a school headmaster becomes the master head (unfortunate if his name was Richard).
We still shouldn’t forget that Australia is one of the lucky countries where unemployment is low. Official figures show the number of people with jobs jumped to 11.23 million last month and the unemployment rate sits at just 5.3 per cent.
Maybe it’s just that people without jobs can’t understand the titles of the vacant positions, let alone wade through the associated descriptions and their buzz words.
How on earth are they even meant to tackle an application or resume?
Perhaps dictionaries should be given out free at Centrelink offices. Or we could just get back to basics and stop making everyone sound more important than they are.
Email a friend